The Madrid Train Bombings

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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The Madrid Train Bombings

Madrid is still searching for answers after the worst terrorist attack in Spanish history. What do you think?
  • "What kind of Muslims are the Basques? They're not Muslims? Then why would they blow stuff up?"

    Albert Douglas Systems Analyst
  • "Man, maybe we should have tried to track down Osama bin Laden after Sept. 11."

    Roger Carter Deliveryman
  • "Wow, a real-life Guernica."

    Ann Collins Chef
  • "And now, yet another healing process begins."

    Henry Sanchez Cleaner
  • "Bush is definitely going to get the Spanish vote in November."

    Janet Campbell Teacher Assistant
  • "The question is, 'Was it al Qaeda or the Basques?' And if it's the latter, the question becomes, 'Now, who are the Basques, again?'"

    Walter Morris Author

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