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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The Magic Number

What is your favorite number?
  • "You mean, other than eight?"

    Trish Rubin Choral Director
  • "I have trouble deciding between 12 and 85, so I'll take their average and say 48.5."

    Gene Pfeiffer Systems Analyst
  • "The cosine of 67 degrees, because that's the number I wore when I played football in high school."

    Liz Schreiber Hotel Concierge
  • "Sorry, I flunked math. But 'albedo' is my favorite meteorological term."

    Tanner Bilson Waiter
  • "I know it's trendy, but I'd have to say six."

    Art Dawes Accordionist
  • "I don't really have a favorite. Just so long as I'm counting, I'm happy."

    George Reuschelm French Teacher
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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