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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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The McVeigh Trial

With the Oklahoma City bombing trial about to begin, many observers are questioning whether defendant Timothy McVeigh—the subject of intense media scrutiny for nearly two years—can get a fair trial before an unbiased jury. What do you think?
  • "What's so hard about giving him a fair trial? If he floats, he's a witch. Case closed."

    Mitchell Dyer Systems Analyst
  • "I think the biggest threat to McVeigh's getting a fair trial is the fact that he blew up that federal building in Oklahoma City."

    Ron Young Pianist
  • "It's the trial of the century! Or, at least, this year's trial of the century. Okay, this year's second trial of the century."

    Ken Francona Caterer
  • "America should have a permanent supply of 12 people encased in lucite for just such occasions."

    Ellen Sakata Podiatrist
  • "Even if he did set off that bomb, who's to say those people wouldn't have blown up anyway?"

    Harriet Mortimer Student
  • "Maybe he can plea-bargain down to 16,000 counts of littering and mishandling biological waste."

    Arlo Unger Legal Secretary

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