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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The McVeigh Trial

With the Oklahoma City bombing trial about to begin, many observers are questioning whether defendant Timothy McVeigh—the subject of intense media scrutiny for nearly two years—can get a fair trial before an unbiased jury. What do you think?
  • "What's so hard about giving him a fair trial? If he floats, he's a witch. Case closed."

    Mitchell Dyer Systems Analyst
  • "I think the biggest threat to McVeigh's getting a fair trial is the fact that he blew up that federal building in Oklahoma City."

    Ron Young Pianist
  • "It's the trial of the century! Or, at least, this year's trial of the century. Okay, this year's second trial of the century."

    Ken Francona Caterer
  • "America should have a permanent supply of 12 people encased in lucite for just such occasions."

    Ellen Sakata Podiatrist
  • "Even if he did set off that bomb, who's to say those people wouldn't have blown up anyway?"

    Harriet Mortimer Student
  • "Maybe he can plea-bargain down to 16,000 counts of littering and mishandling biological waste."

    Arlo Unger Legal Secretary
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