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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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The Medical-Marijuana Ban

Last week, the Supreme Court ruled 8-0 that federal law does not allow a "medical necessity" exception to the ban on marijuana use. What do you think?
  • "Good. Medical marijuana is a gateway drug, and many who use it go on to use stronger stuff–even engaging in full-blown chemotherapy."

    Diane Denkinger Realtor
  • "Luckily, people with health problems still have the healing powers of alcohol at their disposal."

    David Dawson Mechanic
  • "You know, those Cheech & Chong movies come off as very warm and human if you see them as simple dramas about two dying friends."

    Patti D'Andrea Tour Guide
  • "What? I can't believe I voted for David Souter in the High Times Hemp 100."

    Radu Manogian File Clerk
  • "The terminally ill need to learn that you can have fun without all the drugs."

    Burt Allenby Systems Analyst
  • "If they really wanted to stop people from smoking pot, they should legalize medical marijuana. Under this country's health-care system, nobody would be able to get it."

    Marlon Edwards Civil Engineer

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