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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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The Medical-Marijuana Ban

Last week, the Supreme Court ruled 8-0 that federal law does not allow a "medical necessity" exception to the ban on marijuana use. What do you think?
  • "Good. Medical marijuana is a gateway drug, and many who use it go on to use stronger stuff–even engaging in full-blown chemotherapy."

    Diane Denkinger Realtor
  • "Luckily, people with health problems still have the healing powers of alcohol at their disposal."

    David Dawson Mechanic
  • "You know, those Cheech & Chong movies come off as very warm and human if you see them as simple dramas about two dying friends."

    Patti D'Andrea Tour Guide
  • "What? I can't believe I voted for David Souter in the High Times Hemp 100."

    Radu Manogian File Clerk
  • "The terminally ill need to learn that you can have fun without all the drugs."

    Burt Allenby Systems Analyst
  • "If they really wanted to stop people from smoking pot, they should legalize medical marijuana. Under this country's health-care system, nobody would be able to get it."

    Marlon Edwards Civil Engineer

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