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Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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The Medicare Crisis

Medicare, which provides health insurance to 40 million elderly Americans, is projected to go bankrupt by 2008. What do you think about this impending crisis?
  • "If God had meant for us to help the aged and infirm, He certainly would have put it in The Bible."

    Harriet Alston Operator
  • "I'm doing my part to save Medicare by turning all the IV drips in my hospital to half-power."

    Randall Essian Hospital Administrator
  • "Why should we keep offering the elderly all these free handouts? They're just going to spend it all on a bunch of dialysis and shit."

    Victor Keough Electrician
  • "So what if a few million old people die? Are they, like, scarce or something?"

    Iris Heaverlo Student
  • "Somebody in Washington should call for health-care reform."

    Lawrence Dilone Systems Analyst
  • "How much could it cost to shut away the elderly with a black-and-white TV and some cat food? A couple hundred a year?"

    David Armas Sales Clerk

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