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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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The Missile-Defense Standoff

The U.S. and Russia are clashing over the Bush Administration's plans to develop a missile-defense system, which would defy 1972's ABM Treaty. What do you think?
  • "Good for Bush. I always thought Clinton was a little weak in the pissing- off-the-Russians-over- nuclear-weapons department."

    Carl Cox Systems Analyst
  • "Do you realize that the U.S. and Russia have held enough disarmament talks to bore the world to death 50 times over?"

    Dana Coleman Homemaker
  • "I've got a missile-defense idea: We genetically engineer a race of bird-men to fly up and defuse the missiles with their beaks. That'd be cheaper and just as effective."

    Irene Schmid Arts Administrator
  • "Gee, George, way to telegraph the sneak attack. Now they'll totally know."

    Bill Poulent Cab Driver
  • "Speaking of which, don't use the can for a while. I just violated one hell of a B.M. Treaty myself."

    Bobby Post Landscaper
  • "As Kenny Rogers says, you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em; know when to walk away, know when to use humanity as a bargaining chip in a game of nuclear brinksmanship."

    Don Banks Podiatrist

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