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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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The Missile-Defense Standoff

The U.S. and Russia are clashing over the Bush Administration's plans to develop a missile-defense system, which would defy 1972's ABM Treaty. What do you think?
  • "Good for Bush. I always thought Clinton was a little weak in the pissing- off-the-Russians-over- nuclear-weapons department."

    Carl Cox Systems Analyst
  • "Do you realize that the U.S. and Russia have held enough disarmament talks to bore the world to death 50 times over?"

    Dana Coleman Homemaker
  • "I've got a missile-defense idea: We genetically engineer a race of bird-men to fly up and defuse the missiles with their beaks. That'd be cheaper and just as effective."

    Irene Schmid Arts Administrator
  • "Gee, George, way to telegraph the sneak attack. Now they'll totally know."

    Bill Poulent Cab Driver
  • "Speaking of which, don't use the can for a while. I just violated one hell of a B.M. Treaty myself."

    Bobby Post Landscaper
  • "As Kenny Rogers says, you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em; know when to walk away, know when to use humanity as a bargaining chip in a game of nuclear brinksmanship."

    Don Banks Podiatrist
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