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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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The Missile-Defense Standoff

The U.S. and Russia are clashing over the Bush Administration's plans to develop a missile-defense system, which would defy 1972's ABM Treaty. What do you think?
  • "Good for Bush. I always thought Clinton was a little weak in the pissing- off-the-Russians-over- nuclear-weapons department."

    Carl Cox Systems Analyst
  • "Do you realize that the U.S. and Russia have held enough disarmament talks to bore the world to death 50 times over?"

    Dana Coleman Homemaker
  • "I've got a missile-defense idea: We genetically engineer a race of bird-men to fly up and defuse the missiles with their beaks. That'd be cheaper and just as effective."

    Irene Schmid Arts Administrator
  • "Gee, George, way to telegraph the sneak attack. Now they'll totally know."

    Bill Poulent Cab Driver
  • "Speaking of which, don't use the can for a while. I just violated one hell of a B.M. Treaty myself."

    Bobby Post Landscaper
  • "As Kenny Rogers says, you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em; know when to walk away, know when to use humanity as a bargaining chip in a game of nuclear brinksmanship."

    Don Banks Podiatrist
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