The Missing Intern

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Vol 37 Issue 24

Street-Smart Teen Dies In Library

CHICAGO–Street-smart teen Larry Witherspoon was found dead Monday at the Michigan Avenue branch of the Chicago Public Library, his urban know-how useless to him in the unfamiliar environment. "Unfortunately, the skills Larry had developed on the mean streets of Chicago's South Side did him no good in a place like this," librarian Mary Ross said. "Hypothetically, he could have located a book on library survival skills, had he known what the Dewey Decimal system was and how to use it."

Dodgers' Playoff Hopes Dashed Following Acquisition Of Belly Itcher

LOS ANGELES–Trailing the first-place Arizona Diamondbacks by three games in the National League West, the Los Angeles Dodgers dealt their own playoff chances a major blow Monday when they acquired belly itcher Shane Lesko from the Montreal Expos. "They're done for," said an unnamed NL general manager following the deal. "The Dodgers could have put themselves in terrific position for the stretch run by signing one more pitcher, but instead, they go and sign this guy." The general manager called it the worst move since the New York Mets' June 10 trade of pitcher John Franco to the Houston Astros for a glass of water.

The New Planet Of The Apes

Hitting theaters July 27, Planet Of The Apes, Tim Burton's update of the 1968 classic, is generating major buzz. What are people saying about the new film?

U.S. To Slow Down Relationship With Uruguay

WASHINGTON, DC–Explaining that it is still a relatively young nation and not ready for a permanent trade partner, the U.S. announced Monday that it plans to slow down its relationship with Uruguay. "Don't get me wrong, Uruguay is great," President Bush said. "It's just that things have been moving along a little too quickly ever since we signed that bilateral tariff-reduction pact in March. They were always calling up about a treaty or an aid package and, well, it just got to be a little too much." Bush said the U.S. would love to remain "just allies" with Uruguay while pursuing relations with other nations.
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The Missing Intern

Four months after her disappearance, the search continues for Chandra Levy, the 24-year-old intern who had an affair with Rep. Gary Condit (D-CA). What do you think?
  • "For years, men have been screwing women and then vanishing. But one woman does it, and there's all this hoop-de-doo."

    Donald Bumbry
    Systems Analyst
  • "Man, the Democrats sure do love those intern Jewesses."

    Hal Murray
    File Clerk
  • "I am enraged by Condit's evasiveness. Just tell us, yes or no: Did you have butt sex?"

    Fred Singleton
    Cashier
  • "While the police are at it, they should find out where my intern is. I asked for those copies 20 minutes ago!"

    Richard Sakata
    Attorney
  • "I've been missing for almost two years now, and it still hasn't made the news."

    Jill Roenicke
    Biologist
  • "I hope this finally shows our young people that there's no future in fucking politicians."

    Diana Dempsey
    Speech Pathologist
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