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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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The Missing Intern

Four months after her disappearance, the search continues for Chandra Levy, the 24-year-old intern who had an affair with Rep. Gary Condit (D-CA). What do you think?
  • "For years, men have been screwing women and then vanishing. But one woman does it, and there's all this hoop-de-doo."

    Donald Bumbry Systems Analyst
  • "Man, the Democrats sure do love those intern Jewesses."

    Hal Murray File Clerk
  • "I am enraged by Condit's evasiveness. Just tell us, yes or no: Did you have butt sex?"

    Fred Singleton Cashier
  • "While the police are at it, they should find out where my intern is. I asked for those copies 20 minutes ago!"

    Richard Sakata Attorney
  • "I've been missing for almost two years now, and it still hasn't made the news."

    Jill Roenicke Biologist
  • "I hope this finally shows our young people that there's no future in fucking politicians."

    Diana Dempsey Speech Pathologist

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