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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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The Morning-After Pill

The FDA is deciding whether they will allow non-prescription sales of the morning-after pill Plan B. What do you think?
  • "If this pill is sold over the counter, people will start, for the first time ever, having unprotected sex."

    Jared Maldonado Telemarketer
  • "It says in the Bible that the morning-after pill is wrong. I believe the passage is Pharmaceuticals 3:16."

    Adrian Roy Systems Analyst
  • "Why not? The tequila responsible for getting me knocked up in the first place is sold over the counter."

    Dana Conner Photographer
  • "Not for me, thanks. I've had a Dalkon Shield IUD in me for 30 years, and in me it's gonna stay."

    Ana Huff Musician
  • "Do I think they should sell the morning-after pill over the counter? Hell, I think they should add it to One-A-Day multivitamins."

    Claude Adkins Author
  • "Wait. There's a way to prevent pregnancy?"

    Karl Bass Security Guard

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