adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

The New Food Pyramid

Last week, the federal government released a new food pyramid, but many citizens say the nutrition guidelines are too complicated. What do you think?
  • "Apparently there are different food pyramids for meeting different people's needs. I'm gonna guess mine is a mile-high spike of smoked ham, 1,000 feet wide at the base."

    Kent Montoya Coach
  • "I'm not sure how to use the pyramid guidelines. They measure servings in cups, whereas I measure servings in pitchers. Sometimes in pails, if I have a clean one."

    Tracy Golden Systems Analyst
  • "Look, governments are supposed to kill people, not encourage them to be healthier."

    Eduardo York Broadcast Technician
  • "I heard that if you burrow deep inside the pyramid, you'll find a mother lode of discretionary calories."

    Nellie Robles Nurse
  • "I ask this every year, but where is the 'learning to love yourself the way you already are' pyramid?"

    Seth Johnson Drummer
  • "I've always wanted to be buried for all eternity in a giant food pyramid, with my toaster and chicken rotisserie preserved next to me in ceremonial urns."

    Marianne McDowell Stenographer

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close