adBlockCheck

Recent News

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

The New Food Pyramid

Last week, the federal government released a new food pyramid, but many citizens say the nutrition guidelines are too complicated. What do you think?
  • "Apparently there are different food pyramids for meeting different people's needs. I'm gonna guess mine is a mile-high spike of smoked ham, 1,000 feet wide at the base."

    Kent Montoya Coach
  • "I'm not sure how to use the pyramid guidelines. They measure servings in cups, whereas I measure servings in pitchers. Sometimes in pails, if I have a clean one."

    Tracy Golden Systems Analyst
  • "Look, governments are supposed to kill people, not encourage them to be healthier."

    Eduardo York Broadcast Technician
  • "I heard that if you burrow deep inside the pyramid, you'll find a mother lode of discretionary calories."

    Nellie Robles Nurse
  • "I ask this every year, but where is the 'learning to love yourself the way you already are' pyramid?"

    Seth Johnson Drummer
  • "I've always wanted to be buried for all eternity in a giant food pyramid, with my toaster and chicken rotisserie preserved next to me in ceremonial urns."

    Marianne McDowell Stenographer

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close