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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The New Reagan Biography

Edmund Morris' new Reagan biography, Dutch: A Memoir Of Ronald Reagan, is drawing fire for its use of fictionalized characters and events. What do you think of this controversial "biographical novel"?
  • "The Reagan bio may be partly fictional, but I don't mind. That means it should correspond pretty closely with my memories of his administration."

    Iris Roberts Botanist
  • "Okay, first of all, he was American, not Dutch."

    Wendy Mattson Guidance Counselor
  • "I'm not a big fan of Reagan or his politics, but I must admit, the story of how he came to Earth from the doomed planet Krypton was pretty impressive."

    Rick Hurst Systems Analyst
  • "I was pretty sure Reagan never unmade the Ring Of Power by throwing it into the cracks of Mount Doom. Then it turned out Amazon fucked up and sent me the wrong book."

    Fred Boulware Carpenter
  • "This book is total bullshit. No American president would ever lay a memorial wreath at a Nazi cemetery."

    Chris Kennard Train Conductor
  • "As a devoted admirer of the great Ronald Reagan, I have only one thing to say: I must be really stupid or something."

    James Holt Orthodontist

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