The Not-So-Friendly Skies

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Vol 30 Issue 01

Band's Van Breaks Down

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Promising local band Spacegoat suffered a major setback on its path to fame yesterday, when its 1982 Dodge van broke down en route to a show in Durham.

African Nation Not War-Torn

PORTO-NOVO, BENIN—According to inside sources in the capital city of Porto-Novo, the nation of Benin is not currently torn by war. In addition to lacking massive civil strife and severe political turmoil, the sources say, the small West African nation is also not under threat of violent military coup by leftist guerrillas. "Benin is a peaceful country," said New York Times West African correspondent Richard Coombes. "Its people are not being killed in large numbers and buried in mass graves. Further, Benin's many cities and villages are not being burned to the ground by roving bands of power-hungry, machine gun-wielding warlords." Benin's Department of Tourism is capitalizing on the nation's lack of combat, next week launching a $30 million "Benin—You Will Not Be Killed Here!" promotional campaign.

Lester Jackson Gets His Sorry Ass Home

ST. LOUIS—At the strong urging of his wife Rhonda, Lester Jackson got his sorry ass home last night, narrowly avoiding an explosive domestic confrontation. "He better get his sorry ass home real soon," Rhonda Jackson told reporters around 11:45 p.m. yesterday, more than two hours after her husband was supposed to return from his weekly poker game. "Cause if he don't, he ain't gonna like what he find when he do." Several minutes after Rhonda Jackson made her statement, Lester Jackson dragged his sorry ass through the front door, trying to pass off another one of his sorry-ass excuses and wearing that sorry-ass hangdog look on his face he always wears when he knows he's going to get it real good.

Dream Team Wins Small Soft Drink

ATLANTA—The U.S. men's basketball "Dream Team" took home a small soft drink from McDonald's yesterday, making its players big winners and quenching their Olympic-sized thirsts. "We win when the USA wins," said power forward Karl Malone, taking a sip from the Dream Team's 12-ounce Coke. "This refreshing beverage is ice-cold proof of that." The Dream Team won the food prize Sunday, when U.S. fencer Dana Owens took gold in the individual women's epee, defeating Qatar's Faizla Hourani 15-11, 15-9. Nine of the eleven Dream Teamers shared the drink, the exceptions being center Shaquille O'Neal, who is signed to a long-term exclusive contract with Pepsi, and reserve point guard John Stockton, who wanted a Mello-Yello.

Navy Admiral Thinks He's 'Mr. Important'

QUANTICO, VA—According to a recently published report, Navy Admiral John A. Weinhardt, 57, thinks he is "Mr. Important," or something. "Oooooooh... Aren't we Mr. Special? Aren't we just Mr. Look- At- All- My- Medals- I'm- So- Important- I'm- a- Mr.- Big-Shot- Important- Mr.- Navy- Man," read part of the 340-page classified government report, which concluded, "Like wow, I'm really powerful. Oooh, look at all these people saluting me... Like, I'm just so cool, you know?." Admiral Weinhardt has declined comment on the allegations.

Clinton Announces New 'No Walkman' Rule for Congress

WASHINGTON, DC—In a reversal of more than 15 years of Presidential Walkman policy, Bill Clinton announced Monday he is banning all personal portable stereo devices from meetings of the U.S. Congress, both House and Senate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

The Not-So-Friendly Skies

Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a national debate about the safety and security of commercial airlines. What do you think?
  • "I realize passengers are concerned, but speaking as a pilot, there's no better place to drop acid than 40,000 feet in the air."

    Nathan Reynolds
    Pilot
  • "There need to be more exhaustive pre-boarding security anal probes. In fact, forget the plane ride altogether."

    Martin Mattacks
    Ornithologist
  • "I would like to see more entertaining in-flight movies and fewer mid-air explosive decapitations."

    Erick D'Alessio
    Plumber
  • "I hate being aboard a plane during a terrorist hijacking, but when I have to be, I chew delicious Wrigley's Spearmint Gum."

    Rosalie Thalacker
    Pharmacist
  • "It stinks that all flights are now non-smoking, but I can usually get away with blowing the smoke out the gaping rusted holes in the plane's fuselage."

    Marianne Sirota
    Lab Technician
  • "Airline safety is all about people."

    Steven Lastrom
    Systems Analyst
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