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The Not-So-Friendly Skies

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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The Not-So-Friendly Skies

Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a national debate about the safety and security of commercial airlines. What do you think?
  • "I realize passengers are concerned, but speaking as a pilot, there's no better place to drop acid than 40,000 feet in the air."

    Nathan Reynolds
    Pilot
  • "There need to be more exhaustive pre-boarding security anal probes. In fact, forget the plane ride altogether."

    Martin Mattacks
    Ornithologist
  • "I would like to see more entertaining in-flight movies and fewer mid-air explosive decapitations."

    Erick D'Alessio
    Plumber
  • "I hate being aboard a plane during a terrorist hijacking, but when I have to be, I chew delicious Wrigley's Spearmint Gum."

    Rosalie Thalacker
    Pharmacist
  • "It stinks that all flights are now non-smoking, but I can usually get away with blowing the smoke out the gaping rusted holes in the plane's fuselage."

    Marianne Sirota
    Lab Technician
  • "Airline safety is all about people."

    Steven Lastrom
    Systems Analyst

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