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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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The Not-So-Friendly Skies

Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a national debate about the safety and security of commercial airlines. What do you think?
  • "I realize passengers are concerned, but speaking as a pilot, there's no better place to drop acid than 40,000 feet in the air."

    Nathan Reynolds Pilot
  • "There need to be more exhaustive pre-boarding security anal probes. In fact, forget the plane ride altogether."

    Martin Mattacks Ornithologist
  • "I would like to see more entertaining in-flight movies and fewer mid-air explosive decapitations."

    Erick D'Alessio Plumber
  • "I hate being aboard a plane during a terrorist hijacking, but when I have to be, I chew delicious Wrigley's Spearmint Gum."

    Rosalie Thalacker Pharmacist
  • "It stinks that all flights are now non-smoking, but I can usually get away with blowing the smoke out the gaping rusted holes in the plane's fuselage."

    Marianne Sirota Lab Technician
  • "Airline safety is all about people."

    Steven Lastrom Systems Analyst

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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