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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.
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The Nuclear Response

Calling nuclear retaliation against attackers "an option," President Bush wants to build up the U.S. nuclear arsenal as a means of deterrence. What do you think?
  • "This is great news. I've always been afraid of dying alone."

    Diane Balboni Podiatrist
  • "Oh, well. And I was just getting used to calling it a root cellar."

    Ron Cotto Machinist
  • "Finally, the president is listening to what the American people want."

    Pat Langston Systems Analyst
  • "At least this means they'll be reopening the nuclear-warhead factory here in Flint, MI."

    Rich Buhner Unemployed
  • "This is a difficult issue, but, ultimately, nuclear preparedness is the only answer to the problem of global population."

    Tom Bankhead Developer
  • "Can we go back to ruining the world through deforestation and steady ozone depletion? That was a lot less scary."

    Linda Kingery Teacher

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