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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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The Onion's 2008 In Review: The Environment

The dramatic fall of oil prices to under $50 a barrel has silenced much of the talk of alternative energy and oil independence that was so prevalent over the summer. What do you think?
  • "All my talking about maybe carpooling with someone—gone to waste."

    Pam Corina Systems Analyst
  • "So does this mean that T. Boone Pickens can take his wind turbines and shove them up his big billionaire ass?"

    Don Goulding Carrot Farmer
  • "It's like I've always said: You can't huff sunshine."

    Kyp Honeyman Sewage Maintenance Worker

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