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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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The OxyContin Epidemic

OxyContin, a powerful prescription painkiller whose effects have been compared to heroin's, is being abused by a soaring number of drug addicts. What do you think?
  • "It's been great getting my drugs at Walgreens. The pharmacists there are so much friendlier than that dickbag Zach I used get my shit from."

    Rob West Electrician
  • "Whoa, hold on there a minute: You can get high off an acne pad?"

    Barry Valtierra Bike Messenger
  • "You are so lame. They're called Oxys or O.C.'s. No one says 'OxyContin.'"

    Dana Schwartz Student
  • "Didn't we learn anything from that one Little House On The Prairie where Albert gets hooked on morphine?"

    Emily Jay Homemaker
  • "While I am strongly opposed to drug abuse, I must applaud the entrepreneurial spirit exhibited by addicts when it comes to finding new ways to get off."

    Chris Levey Auto Salesman
  • "This is exactly why I don't want my kids hanging out with white people."

    Raymond Harvey Systems Analyst

More from this section

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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