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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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The OxyContin Epidemic

OxyContin, a powerful prescription painkiller whose effects have been compared to heroin's, is being abused by a soaring number of drug addicts. What do you think?
  • "It's been great getting my drugs at Walgreens. The pharmacists there are so much friendlier than that dickbag Zach I used get my shit from."

    Rob West Electrician
  • "Whoa, hold on there a minute: You can get high off an acne pad?"

    Barry Valtierra Bike Messenger
  • "You are so lame. They're called Oxys or O.C.'s. No one says 'OxyContin.'"

    Dana Schwartz Student
  • "Didn't we learn anything from that one Little House On The Prairie where Albert gets hooked on morphine?"

    Emily Jay Homemaker
  • "While I am strongly opposed to drug abuse, I must applaud the entrepreneurial spirit exhibited by addicts when it comes to finding new ways to get off."

    Chris Levey Auto Salesman
  • "This is exactly why I don't want my kids hanging out with white people."

    Raymond Harvey Systems Analyst
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