adBlockCheck

The OxyContin Epidemic

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The OxyContin Epidemic

OxyContin, a powerful prescription painkiller whose effects have been compared to heroin's, is being abused by a soaring number of drug addicts. What do you think?
  • "It's been great getting my drugs at Walgreens. The pharmacists there are so much friendlier than that dickbag Zach I used get my shit from."

    Rob West Electrician
  • "Whoa, hold on there a minute: You can get high off an acne pad?"

    Barry Valtierra Bike Messenger
  • "You are so lame. They're called Oxys or O.C.'s. No one says 'OxyContin.'"

    Dana Schwartz Student
  • "Didn't we learn anything from that one Little House On The Prairie where Albert gets hooked on morphine?"

    Emily Jay Homemaker
  • "While I am strongly opposed to drug abuse, I must applaud the entrepreneurial spirit exhibited by addicts when it comes to finding new ways to get off."

    Chris Levey Auto Salesman
  • "This is exactly why I don't want my kids hanging out with white people."

    Raymond Harvey Systems Analyst

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close