The Preemptive-Strike Debate

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Vol 38 Issue 37

Captain's Hat Really Completes Street Lunatic's Ensemble

CHICAGO—A tattered U.S. Navy Captain's hat taken from a Salvation Army Dumpster adds the perfect finishing touch to street lunatic Corner Carl's outfit, fashion critics raved Monday. "The sailor's hat playfully juxtaposes his filthy Chicago Bears sweatshirt and backwards pajama bottoms," People style correspondent Steven Cojocaru said. "And when he screams at fire hydrants, it's now like he's scolding his imagined Navy underlings." GQ fashion writer Rob Vance said the nautical-themed hat makes Corner Carl resemble "a psychotic, profanity-spewing Alan Hale Jr."

Affable Anti-Semite Thinks The Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media

PLANO, TX—Henry McCullers, an affable Plano-area anti-Semite, praised the Jewish people Monday for doing "a bang-up job" running the media. "This has been such a great year for movies, and the new crop of fall TV shows looks to be one of the best in years," McCullers said. "And the cable news channels are doing a terrific job, too. Admittedly, they're not reporting on the Jewish stranglehold on world finance, but, hey, that's understandable."

Snoop Dogg Goes Clean

After years of heavy smoking, rapper Snoop Dogg recently announced that he is giving up marijuana. What has the rapper been up to since quitting?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

The Preemptive-Strike Debate

President Bush's standoff with Iraq has prompted debate over whether preemptive strikes are a justifiable U.S. military option. What do you think?
  • "Those Iraqis have had it coming for a long time, suffering under the oppressive rule of a maniacal tyrant like that."

    Jon Gordimer
    Delivery Driver
  • "Who's going to stop us, I ask you? The rest of the world? Excuse me while I laugh."

    Eileen Stavros
    Librarian
  • "If we don't take decisive action now, we run the risk of countless Iraqis continuing to live."

    Rachel Eckert
    English Teacher
  • "Preemptive strikes are a dicey proposition. How about a test strike on Spain, to see how that goes?"

    Craig Utrecht
    Cashier
  • "What other choice do we have? We've already exhausted every possible effort to find bin Laden."

    George Banks
    Systems <br>Analyst
  • "Hey, if you've got a fucking problem with it, you can talk to my fucking fist. I'll be in the Senate chambers."

    Stephen <br>Edwards
    Legislator
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