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Politics

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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The Preemptive-Strike Debate

President Bush's standoff with Iraq has prompted debate over whether preemptive strikes are a justifiable U.S. military option. What do you think?
  • "Those Iraqis have had it coming for a long time, suffering under the oppressive rule of a maniacal tyrant like that."

    Jon Gordimer Delivery Driver
  • "Who's going to stop us, I ask you? The rest of the world? Excuse me while I laugh."

    Eileen Stavros Librarian
  • "If we don't take decisive action now, we run the risk of countless Iraqis continuing to live."

    Rachel Eckert English Teacher
  • "Preemptive strikes are a dicey proposition. How about a test strike on Spain, to see how that goes?"

    Craig Utrecht Cashier
  • "What other choice do we have? We've already exhausted every possible effort to find bin Laden."

    George Banks Systems <br>Analyst
  • "Hey, if you've got a fucking problem with it, you can talk to my fucking fist. I'll be in the Senate chambers."

    Stephen <br>Edwards Legislator

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