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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.
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The Promise Keepers

While some praise the Promise Keepers, who recently held a massive rally on the National Mall, for their call for Christian men to renew their commitment to family and God, others say the group has an underlying anti-woman agenda. What do you think?
  • "I was at the rally, and when I realized all the sins I had committed, I began to pray and weep hysterically. Then I accused Goody Brewster and Tituba the slave girl of witchcraft and began to whirl around uncontrollably and stab random people."

    Chris Foote Realtor
  • "Personally, I'm scared by these Promise Keepers. They go against everything I learned and felt at Lilith Fair."

    Liz Offerman Student
  • "What's wrong with a group of men finally standing up and taking responsibility for their wives' actions?"

    Matthew Butler Computer Programmer
  • "The Promise Keepers represent a wide spectrum of Christian men, ranging from those who wear blue polo shirts with tan, pleated pants to those who prefer tan polos with dark pants."

    Mary Chapman Interior Designer
  • "I have not seen that many white men weep openly since Tom Watson double-bogeyed on the 18th at last year's Masters."

    Barry Eadle Systems Analyst
  • "As a Freemason, I see nothing threatening about an insular, patriarchal belief system. Please pass the ceremonial chalice and blade."

    Victor Schukal Airline Pilot

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