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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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The Promise Keepers

While some praise the Promise Keepers, who recently held a massive rally on the National Mall, for their call for Christian men to renew their commitment to family and God, others say the group has an underlying anti-woman agenda. What do you think?
  • "I was at the rally, and when I realized all the sins I had committed, I began to pray and weep hysterically. Then I accused Goody Brewster and Tituba the slave girl of witchcraft and began to whirl around uncontrollably and stab random people."

    Chris Foote Realtor
  • "Personally, I'm scared by these Promise Keepers. They go against everything I learned and felt at Lilith Fair."

    Liz Offerman Student
  • "What's wrong with a group of men finally standing up and taking responsibility for their wives' actions?"

    Matthew Butler Computer Programmer
  • "The Promise Keepers represent a wide spectrum of Christian men, ranging from those who wear blue polo shirts with tan, pleated pants to those who prefer tan polos with dark pants."

    Mary Chapman Interior Designer
  • "I have not seen that many white men weep openly since Tom Watson double-bogeyed on the 18th at last year's Masters."

    Barry Eadle Systems Analyst
  • "As a Freemason, I see nothing threatening about an insular, patriarchal belief system. Please pass the ceremonial chalice and blade."

    Victor Schukal Airline Pilot
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