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The Promise Keepers

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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The Promise Keepers

While some praise the Promise Keepers, who recently held a massive rally on the National Mall, for their call for Christian men to renew their commitment to family and God, others say the group has an underlying anti-woman agenda. What do you think?
  • "I was at the rally, and when I realized all the sins I had committed, I began to pray and weep hysterically. Then I accused Goody Brewster and Tituba the slave girl of witchcraft and began to whirl around uncontrollably and stab random people."

    Chris Foote Realtor
  • "Personally, I'm scared by these Promise Keepers. They go against everything I learned and felt at Lilith Fair."

    Liz Offerman Student
  • "What's wrong with a group of men finally standing up and taking responsibility for their wives' actions?"

    Matthew Butler Computer Programmer
  • "The Promise Keepers represent a wide spectrum of Christian men, ranging from those who wear blue polo shirts with tan, pleated pants to those who prefer tan polos with dark pants."

    Mary Chapman Interior Designer
  • "I have not seen that many white men weep openly since Tom Watson double-bogeyed on the 18th at last year's Masters."

    Barry Eadle Systems Analyst
  • "As a Freemason, I see nothing threatening about an insular, patriarchal belief system. Please pass the ceremonial chalice and blade."

    Victor Schukal Airline Pilot

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