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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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The Puff Daddy Trial

Rapper Sean "Puffy" Combs is on trial for illegal gun possession and bribery stemming from a 1999 shooting at a Manhattan nightclub. What do you think?
  • "How can Puffy possibly get a fair trial? It'll be impossible to find 12 jurors who don't already hate him for his shitty music."

    Bob Ayers Cashier
  • "I don't think it was a good idea for Puffy to take the stand and just chant, 'Unhh, yeah' over a recording of O.J. Simpson's testimony."

    Aimee Kohl Graduate Student
  • "A rapper with a gun? This is the most insane witch hunt in history."

    Jim Druckert Jim Druckert
  • "So they're prosecuting him on gun charges but letting him off the hook for 'I'll Be Missing You'?"

    Natalie Orza Homemaker
  • "I bet Jay-Z is so jealous."

    Gregg Butler Accountant
  • "Man, I'd hate to cross paths with that guy in prison. No, wait–that would be fine."

    John Whalen Cab Driver
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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