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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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The Return Of Flag Burning

On April 29, the Senate Judiciary Committee voted 11-7 to send an anti-flag-burning amendment to the full Senate floor. What do you think about the prospect of such a constitutional ban?
  • "Think about it: a constitutional amendment limiting civil liberties so that protesters will no longer be able to burn flags? It just makes sense."

    Lydia Bochte Nurse
  • "Why can't people get this straight? Flags are for flying; crosses are for burning."

    Larry Stoddard Systems Analyst
  • "Flag burning? It's fine, I suppose. Unless, of course, it's an American flag. Then it should be illegal."

    Joan Nelson Homemaker
  • "This amendment hasn't even been passed, and I've already been convicted of burning a flag. Maybe it had something to do with that Perkins that was attached to it."

    Gene Bannister Auto Mechanic
  • "I've got a bunch of American-flag napkins from last July 4th. Can I still wipe mustard off my face with them if this amendment passes? 'Cause I've got a real problem with mustard spillage, to be honest."

    Geoff Cruz Forklift Operator
  • "When I think about the countless flags being burned in this country every day, I must admit that something, no matter how drastic, must be done."

    Ken Bulling Bond Trader

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