The Return Of Mad Cow

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Vol 37 Issue 04

'Mr. Falafel' Owner Does Not Actually Like Being Addressed As Mr. Falafel

DETROIT–In a candid interview Monday, Elias Nawaz, owner of the Mr. Falafel restaurant on Telegraph Road, asserted that he does not like to be called Mr. Falafel. "Please call me Mr. Nawaz," he said. "Or, if you wish to be less formal, you can call me Elias. But my name is not Mr. Falafel." Nawaz added that anyone asking to speak to "Mrs. Falafel" would be ignored outright.

Woman Panics After Accidentally Getting Into Exact-Change Lane

DES PLAINES, IL–Motorist Gloria Eckstrom, 64, panicked Monday after accidentally entering an I-90 toll-booth lane explicitly marked "Exact Change Only." "Oh, my goodness," said Eckstrom, the flow of traffic carrying her toward a basket into which she would soon be expected to toss 40 cents. "I'm in the wrong lane." Eckstrom was able to merge into a nearby "Manual" lane at the last possible moment, averting disaster.

Special 'Framers' Cut' Of Constitution To Feature Five Deleted Amendments

WASHINGTON, DC–The National Archives and Records Administration announced plans Monday to release a special "framers' cut" of the Constitution featuring five bonus amendments deleted from the original. According to NARA head John Carlin, the new document includes "more than the 35 lines of never-before-seen provisions sure to thrill history buffs." Among the goodies: an early draft of the Fifth Amendment protecting citizens from being put in quintuple jeopardy and a rare, unnumbered Amendment granting each member of Congress the right to "one concubine of his choosing per term served." The expanded version will also include "framers' commentary" by Alexander Hamilton and James Madison written in the margins, as well as a "Making Of The Constitution" document after the list of framers' signatures.

High-School Teacher Reluctantly Breaks Up Fight

IRVINE, CA–With great trepidation, Irvine West High School teacher Ted Broussard broke up a hallway fistfight Monday between students Rick Anders and Jeff Streed. "That would have been a great fight," Broussard said. "I would have loved to see those two go at it. Too bad I was required to put a stop to it." Broussard noted that despite his smaller size, Anders "probably could've taken [Streed]."
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The Return Of Mad Cow

Mad-cow disease is once again sweeping Europe, prompting renewed fears on this side of the Atlantic, including a New York-area recall of Mamba, a candy that contains beef gelatin. What do you think?
  • "So long as Mallo Cups remain untainted, I care little about this."

    Matt Maldonado
    Bartender
  • "Now I can finally unload all this mad-cow-related merchandise."

    Oscar Kinnard
    Systems Analyst
  • "Mad Cow? Isn't that the guy on the Z-106 Morning Nuthouse? I always knew there was something wrong with him."

    Victoria Ewart
    Legal Secretary
  • "People are overlooking an important aspect of this crisis: Have you actually seen a cow staggering around drooling? It's hilarious."

    Warren Hough
    Civil Engineer
  • "Does this candy knock children unconscious for an hour or so? Oh. Never mind, then."

    Benjamin Ruff
    Machinist
  • "Germany is being forced to slaughter 400,000 cattle. Luckily, they're pretty good at that sort of thing."

    Susan Royce
    Hairstylist
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