The Return Of Mad Cow

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

The Return Of Mad Cow

Mad-cow disease is once again sweeping Europe, prompting renewed fears on this side of the Atlantic, including a New York-area recall of Mamba, a candy that contains beef gelatin. What do you think?
  • "So long as Mallo Cups remain untainted, I care little about this."

    Matt Maldonado
    Bartender
  • "Now I can finally unload all this mad-cow-related merchandise."

    Oscar Kinnard
    Systems Analyst
  • "Mad Cow? Isn't that the guy on the Z-106 Morning Nuthouse? I always knew there was something wrong with him."

    Victoria Ewart
    Legal Secretary
  • "People are overlooking an important aspect of this crisis: Have you actually seen a cow staggering around drooling? It's hilarious."

    Warren Hough
    Civil Engineer
  • "Does this candy knock children unconscious for an hour or so? Oh. Never mind, then."

    Benjamin Ruff
    Machinist
  • "Germany is being forced to slaughter 400,000 cattle. Luckily, they're pretty good at that sort of thing."

    Susan Royce
    Hairstylist
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