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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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The Return Of Mad Cow

Mad-cow disease is once again sweeping Europe, prompting renewed fears on this side of the Atlantic, including a New York-area recall of Mamba, a candy that contains beef gelatin. What do you think?
  • "So long as Mallo Cups remain untainted, I care little about this."

    Matt Maldonado Bartender
  • "Now I can finally unload all this mad-cow-related merchandise."

    Oscar Kinnard Systems Analyst
  • "Mad Cow? Isn't that the guy on the Z-106 Morning Nuthouse? I always knew there was something wrong with him."

    Victoria Ewart Legal Secretary
  • "People are overlooking an important aspect of this crisis: Have you actually seen a cow staggering around drooling? It's hilarious."

    Warren Hough Civil Engineer
  • "Does this candy knock children unconscious for an hour or so? Oh. Never mind, then."

    Benjamin Ruff Machinist
  • "Germany is being forced to slaughter 400,000 cattle. Luckily, they're pretty good at that sort of thing."

    Susan Royce Hairstylist

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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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