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The Return Of SDI

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CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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The Return Of SDI

Alarmed by the development of nuclear weapons in China, North Korea, Iran and Iraq, Congress recently approved a scaled-back version of the 'Star Wars' missile-defense system of the Reagan Era. What do you think about the revival of this program?
  • "Back in the '80s, when Star Wars was first proposed, scientists said it was impractical and would only increase the risk of nuclear war. But I'm sure that doesn't still apply."

    Charlotte Lindblad Photographer
  • "We need the most advanced missile-targeting system money can buy, so that at the crucial moment, we can switch it off and trust our feelings."

    Reggie Clay Systems Analyst
  • "No, thanks. I'd rather see the U.S. pursue a course of Annie Hall-style diplomacy."

    Bob Thomasson Machinist
  • "I heard that in a full-blown nuclear attack, the Star Wars system could intercept as many as 50 percent of all incoming missiles. And how much damage could the other 50 percent possibly do?"

    Amy Blair Graduate Student
  • "As I always say, the best defense is a good offense. Let's get out there and nuke the hell out of them first, team!"

    Fred Beattie Football Coach
  • "A defense system orbiting high above the planet, from where it could rain down fiery death on the Earth's surface? As an American citizen, I've approved of worse ideas."

    Patrick Randolph Optometrist

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