The Return Of SDI

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Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Originality

The Return Of SDI

Alarmed by the development of nuclear weapons in China, North Korea, Iran and Iraq, Congress recently approved a scaled-back version of the 'Star Wars' missile-defense system of the Reagan Era. What do you think about the revival of this program?
  • "Back in the '80s, when Star Wars was first proposed, scientists said it was impractical and would only increase the risk of nuclear war. But I'm sure that doesn't still apply."

    Charlotte Lindblad
    Photographer
  • "We need the most advanced missile-targeting system money can buy, so that at the crucial moment, we can switch it off and trust our feelings."

    Reggie Clay
    Systems Analyst
  • "No, thanks. I'd rather see the U.S. pursue a course of Annie Hall-style diplomacy."

    Bob Thomasson
    Machinist
  • "I heard that in a full-blown nuclear attack, the Star Wars system could intercept as many as 50 percent of all incoming missiles. And how much damage could the other 50 percent possibly do?"

    Amy Blair
    Graduate Student
  • "As I always say, the best defense is a good offense. Let's get out there and nuke the hell out of them first, team!"

    Fred Beattie
    Football Coach
  • "A defense system orbiting high above the planet, from where it could rain down fiery death on the Earth's surface? As an American citizen, I've approved of worse ideas."

    Patrick Randolph
    Optometrist