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The Return Of SDI

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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The Return Of SDI

Alarmed by the development of nuclear weapons in China, North Korea, Iran and Iraq, Congress recently approved a scaled-back version of the 'Star Wars' missile-defense system of the Reagan Era. What do you think about the revival of this program?
  • "Back in the '80s, when Star Wars was first proposed, scientists said it was impractical and would only increase the risk of nuclear war. But I'm sure that doesn't still apply."

    Charlotte Lindblad
    Photographer
  • "We need the most advanced missile-targeting system money can buy, so that at the crucial moment, we can switch it off and trust our feelings."

    Reggie Clay
    Systems Analyst
  • "No, thanks. I'd rather see the U.S. pursue a course of Annie Hall-style diplomacy."

    Bob Thomasson
    Machinist
  • "I heard that in a full-blown nuclear attack, the Star Wars system could intercept as many as 50 percent of all incoming missiles. And how much damage could the other 50 percent possibly do?"

    Amy Blair
    Graduate Student
  • "As I always say, the best defense is a good offense. Let's get out there and nuke the hell out of them first, team!"

    Fred Beattie
    Football Coach
  • "A defense system orbiting high above the planet, from where it could rain down fiery death on the Earth's surface? As an American citizen, I've approved of worse ideas."

    Patrick Randolph
    Optometrist

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