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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The Return Of SDI

Alarmed by the development of nuclear weapons in China, North Korea, Iran and Iraq, Congress recently approved a scaled-back version of the 'Star Wars' missile-defense system of the Reagan Era. What do you think about the revival of this program?
  • "Back in the '80s, when Star Wars was first proposed, scientists said it was impractical and would only increase the risk of nuclear war. But I'm sure that doesn't still apply."

    Charlotte Lindblad Photographer
  • "We need the most advanced missile-targeting system money can buy, so that at the crucial moment, we can switch it off and trust our feelings."

    Reggie Clay Systems Analyst
  • "No, thanks. I'd rather see the U.S. pursue a course of Annie Hall-style diplomacy."

    Bob Thomasson Machinist
  • "I heard that in a full-blown nuclear attack, the Star Wars system could intercept as many as 50 percent of all incoming missiles. And how much damage could the other 50 percent possibly do?"

    Amy Blair Graduate Student
  • "As I always say, the best defense is a good offense. Let's get out there and nuke the hell out of them first, team!"

    Fred Beattie Football Coach
  • "A defense system orbiting high above the planet, from where it could rain down fiery death on the Earth's surface? As an American citizen, I've approved of worse ideas."

    Patrick Randolph Optometrist
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