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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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The Return Of Thalidomide

Thalidomide, banned for over three decades for causing birth defects in thousands of children whose mothers took it during pregnancy, has been reapproved by the FDA for the treatment of leprosy. What do you think?
  • "I wish I'd known about thalidomide's reintroduction a few weeks ago, so I wouldn't have had to go through the trouble of sawing off my son's arms and attaching his hands to his shoulders myself."

    Rachel Newsome Systems Analyst
  • "In his prophetic 1989 hit, 'We Didn't Start The Fire,' Billy Joel warned of the dangers facing children of thalidomide. He also spoke stirringly about the problem of heavy-metal suicide."

    Kyle Ordonez Baker
  • "As a person whose mother took thalidomide during pregnancy, I must ask: Could you hand me that pen, please? Just put it in my mouth."

    Jonathan Bibby Civil Engineer
  • "My grandfather says that in the old days, they used to meet on the veranda on hot summer evenings and drink strawberry thalidomides. It sounds like a nice, old-fashioned treat."

    Mel Tepper Roofer
  • "My Doctor Said Thalidomide(TM)."

    Craig Upchurch Landscaper
  • "It's horrifying that such a vile substance will once again be on the market. You did say Tab, didn't you?"

    Gwendolyn Porter Student

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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