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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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The Return Of Thalidomide

Thalidomide, banned for over three decades for causing birth defects in thousands of children whose mothers took it during pregnancy, has been reapproved by the FDA for the treatment of leprosy. What do you think?
  • "I wish I'd known about thalidomide's reintroduction a few weeks ago, so I wouldn't have had to go through the trouble of sawing off my son's arms and attaching his hands to his shoulders myself."

    Rachel Newsome Systems Analyst
  • "In his prophetic 1989 hit, 'We Didn't Start The Fire,' Billy Joel warned of the dangers facing children of thalidomide. He also spoke stirringly about the problem of heavy-metal suicide."

    Kyle Ordonez Baker
  • "As a person whose mother took thalidomide during pregnancy, I must ask: Could you hand me that pen, please? Just put it in my mouth."

    Jonathan Bibby Civil Engineer
  • "My grandfather says that in the old days, they used to meet on the veranda on hot summer evenings and drink strawberry thalidomides. It sounds like a nice, old-fashioned treat."

    Mel Tepper Roofer
  • "My Doctor Said Thalidomide(TM)."

    Craig Upchurch Landscaper
  • "It's horrifying that such a vile substance will once again be on the market. You did say Tab, didn't you?"

    Gwendolyn Porter Student

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