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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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The Return Of Thalidomide

Thalidomide, banned for over three decades for causing birth defects in thousands of children whose mothers took it during pregnancy, has been reapproved by the FDA for the treatment of leprosy. What do you think?
  • "I wish I'd known about thalidomide's reintroduction a few weeks ago, so I wouldn't have had to go through the trouble of sawing off my son's arms and attaching his hands to his shoulders myself."

    Rachel Newsome Systems Analyst
  • "In his prophetic 1989 hit, 'We Didn't Start The Fire,' Billy Joel warned of the dangers facing children of thalidomide. He also spoke stirringly about the problem of heavy-metal suicide."

    Kyle Ordonez Baker
  • "As a person whose mother took thalidomide during pregnancy, I must ask: Could you hand me that pen, please? Just put it in my mouth."

    Jonathan Bibby Civil Engineer
  • "My grandfather says that in the old days, they used to meet on the veranda on hot summer evenings and drink strawberry thalidomides. It sounds like a nice, old-fashioned treat."

    Mel Tepper Roofer
  • "My Doctor Said Thalidomide(TM)."

    Craig Upchurch Landscaper
  • "It's horrifying that such a vile substance will once again be on the market. You did say Tab, didn't you?"

    Gwendolyn Porter Student

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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