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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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The Roaring '90s

With Wall Street soaring and unemployment low, America is enjoying its greatest prosperity since the mid-'80s. What do you think about the current economic boom?
  • "The boom has been really visible around here: Lately, a lot of people are coming in and ordering the nine-piece McNuggets instead of the six."

    Duane Trammell Cashier
  • "If the economy is doing so well, then why, like so many hard-working Americans, can I still not afford a decent speedboat?"

    Steve DesJardins Pediatrician
  • "I think I'm going to have two extra babies this year!"

    Becky Woodson Homemaker
  • "I'm so rich I'm going to sit in my desert house, watch Ice Station Zebra around the clock and grow my nails and hair out."

    Lou Steinhauer Architect
  • "Congress should appropriate money for shades to shield people's eyes from the potentially harmful effects of the nation's unusually bright future."

    Ted O'Brien Systems Analyst
  • "I don't see how the economy has improved so much. I'm still living in a crude dirt hole, with nothing to eat but nuts and berries. Oh, wait. I'm a vole."

    Cynthia Poulson Graphic Designer

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