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The Roaring '90s

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

The Roaring '90s

With Wall Street soaring and unemployment low, America is enjoying its greatest prosperity since the mid-'80s. What do you think about the current economic boom?
  • "The boom has been really visible around here: Lately, a lot of people are coming in and ordering the nine-piece McNuggets instead of the six."

    Duane Trammell Cashier
  • "If the economy is doing so well, then why, like so many hard-working Americans, can I still not afford a decent speedboat?"

    Steve DesJardins Pediatrician
  • "I think I'm going to have two extra babies this year!"

    Becky Woodson Homemaker
  • "I'm so rich I'm going to sit in my desert house, watch Ice Station Zebra around the clock and grow my nails and hair out."

    Lou Steinhauer Architect
  • "Congress should appropriate money for shades to shield people's eyes from the potentially harmful effects of the nation's unusually bright future."

    Ted O'Brien Systems Analyst
  • "I don't see how the economy has improved so much. I'm still living in a crude dirt hole, with nothing to eat but nuts and berries. Oh, wait. I'm a vole."

    Cynthia Poulson Graphic Designer

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