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The Roaring '90s

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Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
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The Roaring '90s

With Wall Street soaring and unemployment low, America is enjoying its greatest prosperity since the mid-'80s. What do you think about the current economic boom?
  • "The boom has been really visible around here: Lately, a lot of people are coming in and ordering the nine-piece McNuggets instead of the six."

    Duane Trammell Cashier
  • "If the economy is doing so well, then why, like so many hard-working Americans, can I still not afford a decent speedboat?"

    Steve DesJardins Pediatrician
  • "I think I'm going to have two extra babies this year!"

    Becky Woodson Homemaker
  • "I'm so rich I'm going to sit in my desert house, watch Ice Station Zebra around the clock and grow my nails and hair out."

    Lou Steinhauer Architect
  • "Congress should appropriate money for shades to shield people's eyes from the potentially harmful effects of the nation's unusually bright future."

    Ted O'Brien Systems Analyst
  • "I don't see how the economy has improved so much. I'm still living in a crude dirt hole, with nothing to eat but nuts and berries. Oh, wait. I'm a vole."

    Cynthia Poulson Graphic Designer

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