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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The Roaring '90s

With Wall Street soaring and unemployment low, America is enjoying its greatest prosperity since the mid-'80s. What do you think about the current economic boom?
  • "The boom has been really visible around here: Lately, a lot of people are coming in and ordering the nine-piece McNuggets instead of the six."

    Duane Trammell Cashier
  • "If the economy is doing so well, then why, like so many hard-working Americans, can I still not afford a decent speedboat?"

    Steve DesJardins Pediatrician
  • "I think I'm going to have two extra babies this year!"

    Becky Woodson Homemaker
  • "I'm so rich I'm going to sit in my desert house, watch Ice Station Zebra around the clock and grow my nails and hair out."

    Lou Steinhauer Architect
  • "Congress should appropriate money for shades to shield people's eyes from the potentially harmful effects of the nation's unusually bright future."

    Ted O'Brien Systems Analyst
  • "I don't see how the economy has improved so much. I'm still living in a crude dirt hole, with nothing to eat but nuts and berries. Oh, wait. I'm a vole."

    Cynthia Poulson Graphic Designer
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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