The Russian Theater Raid

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Vol 38 Issue 41

Week One Panic - Ep. 3

After a tough week one loss, Brad desperately tries to trade his entire team away. Larry Fitzgerald gives Alfred Morris some sage advice.

Former Couple To Remain Friends Until One Finds New Sex Partner

MCMINNVILLE, OR—Bryce Tornquist and Stephanie Herrick, whose three-year relationship ended in August, are remaining close friends until one of them finds a new sex partner. "We still have a lot in common, and it's really nice to have someone around who knows you so well," the 26-year-old Tornquist said Tuesday. "So, until one of us is having sex with somebody else, it really works out for both of us." Tornquist added that he really, really hopes to be the one to find a new sex partner first.

Tract Writer Cites God, Jack Chick As Influences

STILLWATER, OK—Robert Welton, founder and sole employee of Inspired Word Christian Tracts, cites God and Jack Chick as the two biggest influences on his work. "God is the one I owe the most to. Everything I write draws on something of His," Welton, 44, told reporters Tuesday. "But Jack Chick, he showed the tract-writing world how to do it. Everything from This Was Your Life to Sin Busters to the ongoing Bible Tract series are pretty much the gold standard." Welton added that Mohammed and Buddha are in their graves, but Christ's grave is empty.

Teen Anxious For Cigarette Addiction To Kick In

EVANSVILLE, IN—Ashleigh Davis, 14, who started smoking three weeks ago, "can't wait" for her cigarette addiction to kick in. "Right now, I'm smoking, like, four or five cigarettes a day, but I definitely don't feel like I'm hooked yet," Davis said Tuesday. "That's gonna be so cool when the nicotine kicks in, and I have to, like, sneak out of restaurants and stuff for a fix."

Director's Commentary For One Night At McCool's Trails Off After 20 Minutes

LOS ANGELES—Director Harald Zwart's commentary track on the recently released One Night At McCool's DVD trails off after 20 minutes, sources reported Tuesday. "This scene, I remember... we set things up to... look right and all, but I, well... you know..." Zwart said some 18 minutes into the track. "This, uh..." The remainder of the commentary features long stretches of silence occasionally broken by coughing or throat-clearing.

I'll Try Anything With A Detached Air Of Superiority

I'm a pretty sophisticated, well-educated person. I went to Wesleyan, where I got my B.A. in comparative literature. I listen to This American Life on NPR. I've traveled abroad fairly extensively and even spent a year living in London. Given all this, you'd think I might be a little staid and stodgy, that I'd shun certain activities because I'm too good for that sort of thing. That is completely untrue. The reality is, I'll try anything with a detached air of superiority.

Just Wait 'Til I Get These Fucking Rubber Bands Off

Oh, man. You just caught yourself a whole mess of trouble, pal. Believe it. I don't think you realize who you're dealing with here. You might have me in the tank for now, but just wait 'til I get these fucking rubber bands off.

Second-Grade Teacher Overhyping Third Grade

BERWICK, PA—April Niles, a second-grade teacher at Benjamin Franklin Elementary School, is constantly overhyping the third grade, warning her students that "expectations will be very different next year."
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Special Coverage

Comfort

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Healthy Eating

The Russian Theater Raid

During a hostage rescue, Russian authorities pumped gas into a Moscow theater, killing 116 of the 800-plus captives. What do you think of the controversial move?
  • "Now that the siege is over, the surviving hostages can get back to watching Nord-Ost. I think they left off at the part where Vasily was about to propose to Svetlana."

    Reggie Simms
    Systems <br>Analyst
  • "I trust that the Russians handled this correctly. No doubt we'll soon learn that every gas victim was actually a Chechen collaborator. Yes. This is what we will find."

    Oleg Yashin
    Russian Official
  • "Just answer this: Were the captors terrorists? Okay, what about the people who killed the hostages, were they terrorists? How about the victims?"

    Oscar Riggins
    Delivery Driver
  • "This is the worst thing ever to happen in Russia."

    Meredith Dietz
    Teacher
  • "All I can say is, somebody had better answer to the United States about this."

    Gordon Lenox
    Roofer
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