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The Russian Theater Raid

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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The Russian Theater Raid

During a hostage rescue, Russian authorities pumped gas into a Moscow theater, killing 116 of the 800-plus captives. What do you think of the controversial move?
  • "Now that the siege is over, the surviving hostages can get back to watching Nord-Ost. I think they left off at the part where Vasily was about to propose to Svetlana."

    Reggie Simms Systems <br>Analyst
  • "I trust that the Russians handled this correctly. No doubt we'll soon learn that every gas victim was actually a Chechen collaborator. Yes. This is what we will find."

    Oleg Yashin Russian Official
  • "Just answer this: Were the captors terrorists? Okay, what about the people who killed the hostages, were they terrorists? How about the victims?"

    Oscar Riggins Delivery Driver
  • "This is the worst thing ever to happen in Russia."

    Meredith Dietz Teacher
  • "All I can say is, somebody had better answer to the United States about this."

    Gordon Lenox Roofer

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