The SARS Epidemic

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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The SARS Epidemic

Many Americans are worried about the spread of SARS, the mysterious, deadly respiratory illness sweeping China and Hong Kong. What do you think?
  • "More than 100 people have died worldwide from SARS! More than 100 people! 100!"

    Lori Petruso
    Teacher
  • "Will stopping this virus once again require the mass smothering of chickens in plastic trash bags? Just wondering."

    Dan George
    Plumber
  • "You have to wonder what monstrosity the Orient will unleash on humanity next. I mean, SARS, anime, Toyotathons..."

    Frank Banks
    Systems Analyst
  • "From now on, I'm making sure to steer way the hell clear of the Chinatown section of my city, just like I always have."

    Todd Cassell
    Attorney
  • "With its limited exposure and 4 percent fatality rate, SARS lies somewhere between rubella and a NASCAR crash on my list of death fears."

    Alicia Green
    Florist
  • "Did you say terrorists were behind SARS? Wow, I thought you said that. I'll just repeat that until they know what actually causes it."

    Timothy Conn
    Factory Worker
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