adBlockCheck

The SARS Epidemic

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The SARS Epidemic

Many Americans are worried about the spread of SARS, the mysterious, deadly respiratory illness sweeping China and Hong Kong. What do you think?
  • "More than 100 people have died worldwide from SARS! More than 100 people! 100!"

    Lori Petruso Teacher
  • "Will stopping this virus once again require the mass smothering of chickens in plastic trash bags? Just wondering."

    Dan George Plumber
  • "You have to wonder what monstrosity the Orient will unleash on humanity next. I mean, SARS, anime, Toyotathons..."

    Frank Banks Systems Analyst
  • "From now on, I'm making sure to steer way the hell clear of the Chinatown section of my city, just like I always have."

    Todd Cassell Attorney
  • "With its limited exposure and 4 percent fatality rate, SARS lies somewhere between rubella and a NASCAR crash on my list of death fears."

    Alicia Green Florist
  • "Did you say terrorists were behind SARS? Wow, I thought you said that. I'll just repeat that until they know what actually causes it."

    Timothy Conn Factory Worker

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close