The Saudi Peace Plan

In This Section

Vol 38 Issue 08

Paleontology Class Winces Whenever Fundamentalist Kid Raises Hand

STATE COLLEGE, PA— The 24 other students in a Penn State Paleontology 101 discussion section wince with dread whenever fundamentalist Christian Joseph Moseley raises his hand, classmates reported Tuesday. "As soon as that guy's hand shoots up, the whole class tenses up and is like, 'Oh, God, here we go again,'" classmate Colin Herberger said. "I think he thinks he plays a valuable role in the class, acting as the 'opposing viewpoint,' but it's just annoying."

Area Man Plays 'Imagine' Every Time He Sees A Piano

SALEM, OR— Friends of Bill Moreland expressed irritation Monday over the 29-year-old's habit of playing John Lennon's "Imagine" whenever a piano is in sight. "It's like this desperate grab for attention he tries to pass off as totally casual," friend Alan Carter said. "He'll sit down at the piano with this really deep look on his face, then launch into those really simple first few bars, expecting everyone to be amazed and moved." Friends say the habit has persisted since Moreland was in the fifth grade, when he switched to "Imagine" from the Jaws theme.

Dog Chastised For Acting Like Dog

SACRAMENTO, CA— Obeying the instincts bred into him by millions of years of evolution, Shiner, a 2-year-old golden retriever, incurred his owner's wrath Monday by acting like a dog. "Stop barking at that damn squirrel!" Terri Solanis shouted at the dog. "Can't you sit still for five minutes?" Solanis has previously scolded Shiner for sniffing feces encountered on the sidewalk, licking his own groin, and wolfing down his food.

U.N. Tribunal Swayed By Thousands Of Children's Letters To Milosevic

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS— Members of the U.N. war-crimes tribunal were swayed in favor of former Yugoslav president Slobodan Milosevic Monday, when sack after sack of letters from children around the world were heaped onto the presiding judge's desk. "Dear Mr. Milosevic, please get out of jail soon!" read one letter from 6-year-old Brittany White of Houston. Another, from 10-year-old Xiang Xiu of Beijing, read: "We love you, Slobodan! The children of China pray for you!!!" Judge Richard George May, deeply moved by the outpouring of love, ruled that Milosevic is a treasure to children of all ages and then freed him with a bang of his gavel.

Book-Club Meeting Degenerates Into Discussion Of Oscars

MINOT, ND— A weekly meeting of the Minot Public Library's "Book Buddies" club degenerated into a discussion of the upcoming Academy Awards Tuesday. "We were talking about that week's book, A Bend In The Road by Nicholas Sparks, when somebody asked if anyone had seen the movie version of [Sparks'] A Walk To Remember," group leader Ellen Talmadge said. "Then Bill [Polk] asked if anybody had seen John Q. After that, we never really got back to the book." Talmadge added that she considers Nicole Kidman "a lock" for her performance in Moulin Rouge.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Small Business

Sleep

The Saudi Peace Plan

A Middle East peace plan from Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah has generated hope among both Palestinians and Israelis. What do you think?
  • "I applaud Saudi Arabia for being willing to compromise on the degree to which Israel is wrong."

    Vicki Kjell
    Nurse
  • "I think the U.S. should endorse Crown Prince Abdullah's plan only after exhaustive review by King Vitaman and Queen Sara Saturday."

    Robert Zisk
    Systems Analyst
  • "Wow, the Grammys and a Middle East peace plan, all in one week."

    Bryan Brecht
    Carpet Installer
  • "This proposal is being put forth by a corrupt kingdom on behalf of two ancient sworn enemies whose agendas are dictated by their most extreme factions. How could it fail?"

    Isaac Robinson
    Defense Attorney
  • "These Saudis are just a bunch of Jimmy Carter wannabes."

    Miriam Holt
    Interior Decorator
  • "Hurrah! Peace at last!"

    Fred Duffy
    Clerk
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More