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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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The School-Choice Debate

Debate is raging over the issue of school choice, whose advocates are calling for tax-supported vouchers that can go toward private-school tuition. What do you think?
  • "Me and all my friends here in Compton are hoping to go to Phillips-Exeter Preparatory Academy if this initiative passes."

    Bobby Moore Student
  • "The thing I like best about this plan is that it will help those who need it least."

    Stephen Reichel Chiropractor
  • "If private school is anything like it was in the 1983 teen sex romp of the same name, I want a voucher."

    Marty Slocum Systems Analyst
  • "Can't we argue about something more important to our children's education, like, say, prayer?"

    Stephanie Chambers Hairstylist
  • "This is a great way to solve all the problems caused by desegregation."

    Rich Bartholomew Gardener
  • "If I could go to one school, it would definitely have to be Degrassi High."

    Margaret Cort Painter

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