adBlockCheck

Recent News

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

The School-Choice Debate

Debate is raging over the issue of school choice, whose advocates are calling for tax-supported vouchers that can go toward private-school tuition. What do you think?
  • "Me and all my friends here in Compton are hoping to go to Phillips-Exeter Preparatory Academy if this initiative passes."

    Bobby Moore Student
  • "The thing I like best about this plan is that it will help those who need it least."

    Stephen Reichel Chiropractor
  • "If private school is anything like it was in the 1983 teen sex romp of the same name, I want a voucher."

    Marty Slocum Systems Analyst
  • "Can't we argue about something more important to our children's education, like, say, prayer?"

    Stephanie Chambers Hairstylist
  • "This is a great way to solve all the problems caused by desegregation."

    Rich Bartholomew Gardener
  • "If I could go to one school, it would definitely have to be Degrassi High."

    Margaret Cort Painter
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close