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The Shroud Of Turin

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A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.
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The Shroud Of Turin

On public display for the first time in 20 years, the Shroud Of Turin—believed by millions to be Christ's burial shroud, despite being carbon-dated to the Middle Ages—is once again a hot topic of debate. What do you think?
  • "Christ's burial cloth? Give me a break. It looks like some stinky hippie used the good towels."

    Ricky Allen Civil Engineer
  • "Whether or not the face on the Shroud is truly that of our Lord, no man—except, of course, a trained scientist using radiocarbon dating—can say."

    Linda Flynn Chiropractor
  • "The 'Members Only' insignia on the left breast should be proof enough that the Shroud is fake."

    Lawrence Kingman Systems Analyst
  • "I'm not traveling all the way to Italy to see the Shroud Of Turin when we've got the world's largest ball of twine right here."

    Stacie Mazzilli Hairstylist
  • "That's nothing, man. I have Jesus' actual autograph. He signed my Bible at GodCon '97."

    Josh Taveras Security Guard
  • "You know those scientists who debunked the Shroud? They're all going to hell."

    Chad Swan Plumber

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