The Social Security Time Bomb

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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The Social Security Time Bomb

Experts continue to urge Congress to cut the growth of Social Security, warning that the nation faces unsustainable deficits if action isn't taken. What do you think?
  • "This certainly is bad news for the elderly, coming as it does on the heels of the Federal Aging and Ice Floes Act."

    Julie Hunt Teacher
  • "It's news like this that makes me wish I could stay 59 forever."

    Donald Nelson Inspector
  • "It's good I already have a taste for dog food."

    Jimmy Shaw Carpet Installer
  • "So much for my plan to live off Social Security while I travel the country banging Denny's cashiers in my Airstream."

    Dan Cox Mechanic
  • "This is really an economics issue. Were it, say, a women's-studies issue, I might have more insight to share."

    Emily Holmes Professor
  • "Everybody, relax. We'll be fine as soon as we get our money back from Iraq."

    Albert Robertson Systems Analyst


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