The Spam Epidemic

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Vol 39 Issue 20

Condoleezza Rice's Lunch Missing

WASHINGTON, DC—National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice announced Tuesday that she is "extremely distressed" that her lunch is missing from...

Candy Purchase Puts Yet More Money In Raisinets' Bloated Coffers

GLENDALE, CA—The already overflowing coffers of Nestlé subsidiary Raisinets were further fattened Monday, when Atlanta resident Jonathan Graber, 11, purchased a bag of the candy at a local convenience store. "Ah, very good... that's another 75 cents for us," said Raisinets president William Koenig, as he observed the Graber purchase on closed-circuit television at the company's Glendale headquarters. "With every bag of our delicious chocolate-covered raisin treats that they buy, we only grow more powerful." Koenig then opened a bag of Raisinets and tossed a handful into the air, laughing maniacally.

Magical Gallery Transforms Dull Objects Into Art

NEW YORK—A magical New York art gallery has the power to turn dull, everyday items into brilliant works of art, sources reported Monday. "Seth Clayton's devastating Untitled No. 7 captures the despair of urban ennui in a way that's post-ironic yet somehow pre-pomo," said David E. Sherry, owner of the David E. Sherry Gallery, while admiring a rusty bucket and tattered boot lying on the gallery floor. "Its eloquence is truly heartbreaking."

I Am Proud To Serve My Country Beer

Our country has witnessed its fair share of trials and tribulations lately. We have endured wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. We have lived under the near-constant threat of terrorist attack at home. Many young Americans have heard the call to serve and, stirred by love of country and a deep sense of patriotic duty, they have responded. Some have served in the Army, others in the Marines. As for myself, I have served Coors Light.

It's Not Easy Being The Life Of The Orgy

Do you know me? Well, if you've been to an orgy in the greater Cincinnati area in the past 17 years, you've probably seen me (or at least part of me). My name is Hank Wetzel, and I am the king of the Cincinnati group-sex scene. You may have heard a story or two—and believe me, there are hundreds—about my legendary carnal exploits. Yet as renowned as I am, and as much fun as I've had, few people realize that it's not easy being the life of the orgy.

The Bush Tax-Cut Plan

President Bush is preparing to sign a $350 billion tax-cut package. What are some of the plans specifics?

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian

ORLANDO, FL—Brad Rolen, the new bassist for Pillar Of Salt, remains oblivious to the fact that he is in a Christian rock band, sources reported Tuesday.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

The Spam Epidemic

Congress is exploring ways to combat the problem of "spam," the wave of junk e-mail that has clogged e-mail systems and cost U.S. businesses billions. What do you think?
  • "Thank goodness Congress is going to do something about this problem. This should all be cleared up in, like, three weeks."

    Gene Kelso
    Office Manager
  • "Gee, you make one little online inquiry into dripping wet teen pussies getting pounded by 12-inch horse cocks, and you're swamped for the rest of your life."

    Andrew Reed
    Forklift Operator
  • "Every day, I get these annoying spams that are nothing but cookie recipes and forwarded articles about the benefits of Vitamin C and photos of cats. Wait--those are from my mom."

    Patti Robles
    Art Director
  • "MY NAME IS ALFRED MUGABE. I KNOW OF 10 MILLIONS U.S. DOLLARS IN A NIGERIAN BANK AND MUST FIND AN ACCOUNT INTO WHICH TO TRANSFER THE MONIES."

    Alfred Mugabe
    Businessman
  • "If not for spam, I never would have met my boyfriend. His name is 8g391b66t274@prize- claimcenter.com."

    Marcia Haines
    Real-Estate Broker
  • "Even more disturbing than this never-ending torrent of junk e-mail is the fact that, apparently, they must actually work once in a while."

    Chris Kingery
    Systems Analyst
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