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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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The Spam Epidemic

Congress is exploring ways to combat the problem of "spam," the wave of junk e-mail that has clogged e-mail systems and cost U.S. businesses billions. What do you think?
  • "Thank goodness Congress is going to do something about this problem. This should all be cleared up in, like, three weeks."

    Gene Kelso Office Manager
  • "Gee, you make one little online inquiry into dripping wet teen pussies getting pounded by 12-inch horse cocks, and you're swamped for the rest of your life."

    Andrew Reed Forklift Operator
  • "Every day, I get these annoying spams that are nothing but cookie recipes and forwarded articles about the benefits of Vitamin C and photos of cats. Wait--those are from my mom."

    Patti Robles Art Director
  • "MY NAME IS ALFRED MUGABE. I KNOW OF 10 MILLIONS U.S. DOLLARS IN A NIGERIAN BANK AND MUST FIND AN ACCOUNT INTO WHICH TO TRANSFER THE MONIES."

    Alfred Mugabe Businessman
  • "If not for spam, I never would have met my boyfriend. His name is 8g391b66t274@prize- claimcenter.com."

    Marcia Haines Real-Estate Broker
  • "Even more disturbing than this never-ending torrent of junk e-mail is the fact that, apparently, they must actually work once in a while."

    Chris Kingery Systems Analyst
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