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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Biggest Announcements From E3

Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:
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The Sprewell Suspension

Latrell Sprewell of the NBA's Golden State Warriors was recently suspended for one year after choking verbally abusive coach P.J. Carlesimo during a team practice. Some are calling the suspension too harsh. What do you think?
  • "I don't know what I'd do if a coach criticized my dribbling. I'd probably stab him to death."

    Randall Keyes Bank Teller
  • "Suspending Sprewell is not enough. Carlesimo should be awarded two free throws and the ball."

    Ken LaBranca Gardener
  • "I think it's obvious what happened. Carlesimo must have foolishly asked Sprewell to make believe he had called without using 1-800-COLLECT."

    Eileen Colangelo Systems Analyst
  • "Why didn't Sprewell just go out and beat up someone smaller and weaker than him? That's what I used to do when I was on the high-school wrestling team."

    Stephen Utter Data Technician
  • "I once got chewed out by my coach for not doing lay-ups right. But then I calmed down by masturbating in the locker-room shower."

    Todd Worth Waiter
  • "One good thing about this incident is the fact that, although a black player assaulted a white coach, nobody has blown it into an explosive, racially polarized powder keg. Allow me to be the first."

    Iris Wunsch Civil Engineer

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