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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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The Sprewell Suspension

Latrell Sprewell of the NBA's Golden State Warriors was recently suspended for one year after choking verbally abusive coach P.J. Carlesimo during a team practice. Some are calling the suspension too harsh. What do you think?
  • "I don't know what I'd do if a coach criticized my dribbling. I'd probably stab him to death."

    Randall Keyes Bank Teller
  • "Suspending Sprewell is not enough. Carlesimo should be awarded two free throws and the ball."

    Ken LaBranca Gardener
  • "I think it's obvious what happened. Carlesimo must have foolishly asked Sprewell to make believe he had called without using 1-800-COLLECT."

    Eileen Colangelo Systems Analyst
  • "Why didn't Sprewell just go out and beat up someone smaller and weaker than him? That's what I used to do when I was on the high-school wrestling team."

    Stephen Utter Data Technician
  • "I once got chewed out by my coach for not doing lay-ups right. But then I calmed down by masturbating in the locker-room shower."

    Todd Worth Waiter
  • "One good thing about this incident is the fact that, although a black player assaulted a white coach, nobody has blown it into an explosive, racially polarized powder keg. Allow me to be the first."

    Iris Wunsch Civil Engineer

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