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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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The Sprewell Suspension

Latrell Sprewell of the NBA's Golden State Warriors was recently suspended for one year after choking verbally abusive coach P.J. Carlesimo during a team practice. Some are calling the suspension too harsh. What do you think?
  • "I don't know what I'd do if a coach criticized my dribbling. I'd probably stab him to death."

    Randall Keyes Bank Teller
  • "Suspending Sprewell is not enough. Carlesimo should be awarded two free throws and the ball."

    Ken LaBranca Gardener
  • "I think it's obvious what happened. Carlesimo must have foolishly asked Sprewell to make believe he had called without using 1-800-COLLECT."

    Eileen Colangelo Systems Analyst
  • "Why didn't Sprewell just go out and beat up someone smaller and weaker than him? That's what I used to do when I was on the high-school wrestling team."

    Stephen Utter Data Technician
  • "I once got chewed out by my coach for not doing lay-ups right. But then I calmed down by masturbating in the locker-room shower."

    Todd Worth Waiter
  • "One good thing about this incident is the fact that, although a black player assaulted a white coach, nobody has blown it into an explosive, racially polarized powder keg. Allow me to be the first."

    Iris Wunsch Civil Engineer
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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