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The Sprewell Suspension

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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The Sprewell Suspension

Latrell Sprewell of the NBA's Golden State Warriors was recently suspended for one year after choking verbally abusive coach P.J. Carlesimo during a team practice. Some are calling the suspension too harsh. What do you think?
  • "I don't know what I'd do if a coach criticized my dribbling. I'd probably stab him to death."

    Randall Keyes Bank Teller
  • "Suspending Sprewell is not enough. Carlesimo should be awarded two free throws and the ball."

    Ken LaBranca Gardener
  • "I think it's obvious what happened. Carlesimo must have foolishly asked Sprewell to make believe he had called without using 1-800-COLLECT."

    Eileen Colangelo Systems Analyst
  • "Why didn't Sprewell just go out and beat up someone smaller and weaker than him? That's what I used to do when I was on the high-school wrestling team."

    Stephen Utter Data Technician
  • "I once got chewed out by my coach for not doing lay-ups right. But then I calmed down by masturbating in the locker-room shower."

    Todd Worth Waiter
  • "One good thing about this incident is the fact that, although a black player assaulted a white coach, nobody has blown it into an explosive, racially polarized powder keg. Allow me to be the first."

    Iris Wunsch Civil Engineer

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