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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The Stem-Cell Bill

The House recently passed a bill lifting restrictions on stem-cell research, but Bush has threatened to veto the bill if it passes the Senate. What do you think?
  • "The Democrats and Republicans—and most of the American public—are actually in agreement over an issue. You can see how Bush would want to put a stop to that right away."

    Ali Marni Contractor
  • "Some things are just morally reprehensible, like using science to save people's lives."

    Todd Filbert Lawyer
  • "If Bush vetoes this bill, I'm going to veto him! With a bumper sticker, of course."

    Tanya Spinks Hand Model
  • "Hey, if it weren't for scientific research, Christopher Reeve would've died on that polo field and none of this would even be an issue in the first place."

    Gary Schneider Systems Analyst
  • "The Democrats want stem-cell research so they can cure multiple sclerosis. The GOP wants it so they can grow an army of zombies. So Bush is in a tough spot politically."

    Wesley Wilkes Fry Cook
  • "They're not stems, they're babies! And they're not cells, they're babies! And it's not research, it's babies!"

    Rose Anderson Translator

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