The Stem-Cell Debate

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Vol 37 Issue 25

Hair Weave Shaved Off

JACKSONVILLE, NC–Choosing the popular "bald look" over a full, rich head of hair, Jacksonville resident Michael Elroy shaved off his $875 hair weave Tuesday. "I figured, hey, chicks like bald guys like Bruce Willis," Elroy told reporters following the four-minute weave removal. "Might as well go with the flow." In the past 10 years, the 41-year-old Elroy has had two tattoos removed through laser surgery, allowed three piercings to close, and twice dyed his bleached hair back to its original brown.

Man Realizes He Shouldn't Have Told Girl On Phone He Was Taking Dump

GRANBURY, TX–Moments after ending an on-the-toilet phone conversation with a female friend, Bruce Halpern realized Monday that his candor regarding his whereabouts may have been ill-advised. "That was dumb," Halpern said to himself following the call. "I've told lots of guy friends that I was taking a dump while talking to them, but Julie seemed pretty grossed out." Halpern made a mental note to explain the echo effect in future phone calls by saying he is in the garage.

Police Use Exact Right Amount Of Force To Subdue Suspect

CHICAGO–A pair of Chicago police officers earned accolades Monday, when they used the perfect amount of force to subdue 22-year-old robbery suspect Reggie Clifton. "Officers [Brendan] Ford and [Matt] Molloy did a terrific job, putting the suspect in a restraining headlock that was strong enough to immobilize him, yet not so strong as to accidentally cause his neck to snap," police chief Frank DeLuca said. "It should also be noted that these two exemplary officers did not open fire on the suspect when he put his hands in the air, mistakenly thinking he was reaching for a gun somewhere above his head."

The Backstreet Boys Or 'N Sync Release New Album

NEW YORK–Pop, the hotly anticipated new album from either The Backstreet Boys or 'N Sync, hit record stores Tuesday. "I'm pretty sure this is Backstreet Boys, because that's the band where The Tough One has the goatee and the beads in his hair but no blond streaks, right?" said David Blitz, manager of the Times Square Virgin Megastore where the band made a special in-store appearance Monday before thousands of screaming fans. "Whichever band this is, though, they're definitely poised to take back their crown from the other band." The new album is said to reflect either The Backstreet Boys or 'N Sync's maturing sound, with several darker tracks exploring the perils of fame.

Jordan Ponders A Comeback

Michael Jordan, mulling a return to basketball, has said he will make a decision by mid-September. What enticements has the NBA offered to lure him back?

Ask A Latina Talk-Show Host

Bonita Salinas-Vicario is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Latina Talk-Show Host, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.
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The Stem-Cell Debate

Embryonic stem-cell research, which scientists believe could hold the key to curing many diseases, is strongly opposed by pro-life advocates. What do you think?
  • "As it clearly states in Leviticus, '...and the use of embryonic stem cells in biomedical research shall be forever prohibited. Thus sayeth the Lord.'"

    Diane Backman
    Legal Secretary
  • "Spare me your rationalizations. All I know is, stem-cell research kills a quasi-living four-day-old blob."

    Richard Heep
    Systems Analyst
  • "You mean, you can actually experiment with stem cells from human embryos? Man, and all this time, I've just been throwing mine out."

    Bill Teufel
    Delivery Driver
  • "You try looking into the eyes of a human embryo and saying, 'We need you to die for science.' You can't do it, can you? What do you mean, which side am I arguing?"

    Irwin Santana
    Customs Officer
  • "They take these stem cells from little babies. They use big, sharp knives. The babies scream, but they take their stems anyway. This makes Jesus cry."

    Carl Knight
    Architect
  • "Only the scientists would go to hell, right? Then let them find a cure for cancer and we'll keep dutifully opposing their actions."

    Lori Staub
    Reference Librarian
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