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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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The Stem-Cell Debate

Embryonic stem-cell research, which scientists believe could hold the key to curing many diseases, is strongly opposed by pro-life advocates. What do you think?
  • "As it clearly states in Leviticus, '...and the use of embryonic stem cells in biomedical research shall be forever prohibited. Thus sayeth the Lord.'"

    Diane Backman Legal Secretary
  • "Spare me your rationalizations. All I know is, stem-cell research kills a quasi-living four-day-old blob."

    Richard Heep Systems Analyst
  • "You mean, you can actually experiment with stem cells from human embryos? Man, and all this time, I've just been throwing mine out."

    Bill Teufel Delivery Driver
  • "You try looking into the eyes of a human embryo and saying, 'We need you to die for science.' You can't do it, can you? What do you mean, which side am I arguing?"

    Irwin Santana Customs Officer
  • "They take these stem cells from little babies. They use big, sharp knives. The babies scream, but they take their stems anyway. This makes Jesus cry."

    Carl Knight Architect
  • "Only the scientists would go to hell, right? Then let them find a cure for cancer and we'll keep dutifully opposing their actions."

    Lori Staub Reference Librarian

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