adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Stem-Cell Debate

Embryonic stem-cell research, which scientists believe could hold the key to curing many diseases, is strongly opposed by pro-life advocates. What do you think?
  • "As it clearly states in Leviticus, '...and the use of embryonic stem cells in biomedical research shall be forever prohibited. Thus sayeth the Lord.'"

    Diane Backman Legal Secretary
  • "Spare me your rationalizations. All I know is, stem-cell research kills a quasi-living four-day-old blob."

    Richard Heep Systems Analyst
  • "You mean, you can actually experiment with stem cells from human embryos? Man, and all this time, I've just been throwing mine out."

    Bill Teufel Delivery Driver
  • "You try looking into the eyes of a human embryo and saying, 'We need you to die for science.' You can't do it, can you? What do you mean, which side am I arguing?"

    Irwin Santana Customs Officer
  • "They take these stem cells from little babies. They use big, sharp knives. The babies scream, but they take their stems anyway. This makes Jesus cry."

    Carl Knight Architect
  • "Only the scientists would go to hell, right? Then let them find a cure for cancer and we'll keep dutifully opposing their actions."

    Lori Staub Reference Librarian

More from this section

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close