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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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The Stem-Cell Debate

Embryonic stem-cell research, which scientists believe could hold the key to curing many diseases, is strongly opposed by pro-life advocates. What do you think?
  • "As it clearly states in Leviticus, '...and the use of embryonic stem cells in biomedical research shall be forever prohibited. Thus sayeth the Lord.'"

    Diane Backman Legal Secretary
  • "Spare me your rationalizations. All I know is, stem-cell research kills a quasi-living four-day-old blob."

    Richard Heep Systems Analyst
  • "You mean, you can actually experiment with stem cells from human embryos? Man, and all this time, I've just been throwing mine out."

    Bill Teufel Delivery Driver
  • "You try looking into the eyes of a human embryo and saying, 'We need you to die for science.' You can't do it, can you? What do you mean, which side am I arguing?"

    Irwin Santana Customs Officer
  • "They take these stem cells from little babies. They use big, sharp knives. The babies scream, but they take their stems anyway. This makes Jesus cry."

    Carl Knight Architect
  • "Only the scientists would go to hell, right? Then let them find a cure for cancer and we'll keep dutifully opposing their actions."

    Lori Staub Reference Librarian
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