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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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The Subway Series

For the first time in 44 years, baseball's World Series is a Subway Series, with the New York Mets and New York Yankees squaring off. What do you think of the all-Big Apple Fall Classic?
  • "At long last, the eyes of the nation are finally on New York."

    Danielle Coomes Graduate Student
  • "It'll be exciting to see which team's fans get to trash Times Square in victory rioting."

    Maryellen Janus Linguist
  • "As an Upper East Side Yankee fan, I prefer to think of this as a Door-To-Door Car-Service Series."

    Bill Anderson Stock Broker
  • "Know what would make this perfect? If there were some sort of hat or shirt that people excited about the series could buy and wear. Wait, wait–hear me out on this."

    Ray Loney File Clerk
  • "This is just the sort of thing that leads to epic, era-defining novels of the American experience by Don DeLillo."

    Larry Boone Systems Analyst
  • "I've been waiting years for this glorious event. What? No, I'm not a Met or Yankee fan. I'm a terrorist with a relatively small amount of plutonium."

    Victor Kritikos Trader
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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