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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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The Super-Flu Threat

Although there hasn't been a new case of avian flu since last December, when it took six lives in Hong Kong, virologists fear it could combine with another existing flu to form a highly lethal and contagious "super-flu" virus, killing millions worldwide. What do you think?
  • "Fighting this epidemic will require a historic alliance between rival flu-fighting superpowers Comtrex and Nyquil."

    Matt Kelso Typing Instructor
  • "I've heard many times that the planet will rise up and protect itself from the excesses of mankind. I guess that's why that fucking possum keeps sneaking into my garage."

    Geoffrey Hall Chiropractor
  • "First, the millennium bug, now this. Time magazine has successfully terrified me once again."

    Linda Oppert Systems Analyst
  • "I look forward to the coming plague, because my bizarre existentialist rantings will become important again."

    Danielle Eppard Nurse
  • "As a survivor of the 1918 flu epidemic, I pray that my nurse will soon come and turn me over."

    Damon Quintana Retiree
  • "There is only one man who can help us in this, the time of the super-flu. He goes by many names—The Dark Man, Randall Flagg, The Walkin' Dude. His followers must gather in what was once Las Vegas to prepare for the coming age of ultimate evil."

    Alex Wulf Chemical Engineer

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