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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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The Super-Flu Threat

Although there hasn't been a new case of avian flu since last December, when it took six lives in Hong Kong, virologists fear it could combine with another existing flu to form a highly lethal and contagious "super-flu" virus, killing millions worldwide. What do you think?
  • "Fighting this epidemic will require a historic alliance between rival flu-fighting superpowers Comtrex and Nyquil."

    Matt Kelso Typing Instructor
  • "I've heard many times that the planet will rise up and protect itself from the excesses of mankind. I guess that's why that fucking possum keeps sneaking into my garage."

    Geoffrey Hall Chiropractor
  • "First, the millennium bug, now this. Time magazine has successfully terrified me once again."

    Linda Oppert Systems Analyst
  • "I look forward to the coming plague, because my bizarre existentialist rantings will become important again."

    Danielle Eppard Nurse
  • "As a survivor of the 1918 flu epidemic, I pray that my nurse will soon come and turn me over."

    Damon Quintana Retiree
  • "There is only one man who can help us in this, the time of the super-flu. He goes by many names—The Dark Man, Randall Flagg, The Walkin' Dude. His followers must gather in what was once Las Vegas to prepare for the coming age of ultimate evil."

    Alex Wulf Chemical Engineer

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