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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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The Super-Flu Threat

Although there hasn't been a new case of avian flu since last December, when it took six lives in Hong Kong, virologists fear it could combine with another existing flu to form a highly lethal and contagious "super-flu" virus, killing millions worldwide. What do you think?
  • "Fighting this epidemic will require a historic alliance between rival flu-fighting superpowers Comtrex and Nyquil."

    Matt Kelso Typing Instructor
  • "I've heard many times that the planet will rise up and protect itself from the excesses of mankind. I guess that's why that fucking possum keeps sneaking into my garage."

    Geoffrey Hall Chiropractor
  • "First, the millennium bug, now this. Time magazine has successfully terrified me once again."

    Linda Oppert Systems Analyst
  • "I look forward to the coming plague, because my bizarre existentialist rantings will become important again."

    Danielle Eppard Nurse
  • "As a survivor of the 1918 flu epidemic, I pray that my nurse will soon come and turn me over."

    Damon Quintana Retiree
  • "There is only one man who can help us in this, the time of the super-flu. He goes by many names—The Dark Man, Randall Flagg, The Walkin' Dude. His followers must gather in what was once Las Vegas to prepare for the coming age of ultimate evil."

    Alex Wulf Chemical Engineer
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