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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The Tax-Cut Proposal

In his first major initiative as president, George W. Bush is lobbying hard for a controversial $1.6 trillion tax cut. What do you think?
  • "Finally, the burden of raising a family on a meager factory-job salary will be lifted slightly. What? It won't? Damn."

    Sunil Bardeekian Forklift Operator
  • "Is this one of those things that sounds great but only benefits the rich? Or is it one of those genuinely great, fairytale things that never really happens?"

    Hillary Green Art Historian
  • "I'm not sure what to make of all this. Can I get back to you after tonight's O'Reilly Factor?"

    Jill Yablonsky Homemaker
  • "A 10-year, $1.6 trillion cut to revive a softening economy and rein in spending impulses in Congress? Four words: Party at my place!"

    Frank Muncie Systems Analyst
  • "Income tax? Geez, I thought that highway toll I paid when we went to Taste Of Chicago last year took care of everything."

    Bill Bohnert Custodian
  • "This would be a tremendous boon to me and my fellow corporate titans if any of us actually paid taxes."

    Tom Wilhoyte CEO

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