Supreme Court

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.
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The Ten Commandments Ruling

State Supreme Court justices recently ordered that a Ten Commandments monument be removed from the Alabama Judicial Building. What do you think?
  • "At the rate the liberals are going, it won't be long before our country has an official policy mandating the separation of church and state."

    Stanley Welty Systems Analyst
  • "I support its removal. A monument to the Ten Commandments is a graven image, and therefore blasphemous."

    Opal Birch Loan Counselor
  • "Alabama was just using that monument as a cheap, easy way to score some God points anyway."

    Lawrence Petty Program Director
  • "People can be so stupid about religion. I always have to explain my 'I'm A Fundament-tail-ist!' T-shirt to people. It means I like ass-fucking, all right?"

    Jeff Rawson Groundskeeper
  • "I know they have to take down the big granite monument at the Judicial Building, but what about the small tin sign tacked up in the Negro Courtshack?"

    Kay Sines Talent Director
  • "Let them have their statue. It's Alabama. No one there can read it, anyway."

    Arthur Serra Order Filler

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