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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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The Text Message Turns 20

Twenty years ago yesterday, London-based software engineer Neil Papworth sent the world’s first text message, “Merry Christmas,” to a telecommunications executive at a party across town. What do you think?

  • “For me, text messages will never even begin to approach the sexy anticipation of the fax.”

    Loni Carpendale Disulfurizer Tender
  • “Oh, cool. What texts have people sent since then?”

    Ken Blitz Unemployed
  • “I can’t even imagine what people did at parties before texting.”

    Godfrey Agnew Hoist Operator

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