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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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The Threat Of Cyberterrorism

With the business world becoming increasingly dependent on the Internet, there is concern that not enough is being done to guard against potentially devastating sabotage by "cyberterrorists." What do you think?
  • "You mean some hacker could disrupt the computerized billing and record-keeping of my local phone company, costing them millions of dollars? That's awesome."

    Frank Moreland Piano Teacher
  • "What if these terrorists got into the Snickers web site? They could potentially alter the peanuts-to-nougat ratio."

    Carol Sandberg Flight Attendant
  • "You don't think one of these cyberterrorists could somehow infiltrate a chat room and pretend to be a sexy girl, do you?"

    Donald Davis Systems Analyst
  • "No cyberterrorists shall gain access to my data—I'm protected by the coolest password ever: Shadowfax. Oh, no, I said it aloud! My hubris has undone me once again!"

    Phillip Sutcliffe Actuary
  • "As a nursing-home resident, I live in constant fear of the fiberterrorists who force me to take my Metamucil."

    Liz Durham Retiree
  • "Well, cyberterrorists may be difficult to capture in the act, but from what I know about people who are highly skilled with computers, they should be easy to beat up."

    Ernest Cey Speechwriter

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