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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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The Threat Of Cyberterrorism

With the business world becoming increasingly dependent on the Internet, there is concern that not enough is being done to guard against potentially devastating sabotage by "cyberterrorists." What do you think?
  • "You mean some hacker could disrupt the computerized billing and record-keeping of my local phone company, costing them millions of dollars? That's awesome."

    Frank Moreland Piano Teacher
  • "What if these terrorists got into the Snickers web site? They could potentially alter the peanuts-to-nougat ratio."

    Carol Sandberg Flight Attendant
  • "You don't think one of these cyberterrorists could somehow infiltrate a chat room and pretend to be a sexy girl, do you?"

    Donald Davis Systems Analyst
  • "No cyberterrorists shall gain access to my data—I'm protected by the coolest password ever: Shadowfax. Oh, no, I said it aloud! My hubris has undone me once again!"

    Phillip Sutcliffe Actuary
  • "As a nursing-home resident, I live in constant fear of the fiberterrorists who force me to take my Metamucil."

    Liz Durham Retiree
  • "Well, cyberterrorists may be difficult to capture in the act, but from what I know about people who are highly skilled with computers, they should be easy to beat up."

    Ernest Cey Speechwriter

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