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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The Threat Of Cyberterrorism

With the business world becoming increasingly dependent on the Internet, there is concern that not enough is being done to guard against potentially devastating sabotage by "cyberterrorists." What do you think?
  • "You mean some hacker could disrupt the computerized billing and record-keeping of my local phone company, costing them millions of dollars? That's awesome."

    Frank Moreland Piano Teacher
  • "What if these terrorists got into the Snickers web site? They could potentially alter the peanuts-to-nougat ratio."

    Carol Sandberg Flight Attendant
  • "You don't think one of these cyberterrorists could somehow infiltrate a chat room and pretend to be a sexy girl, do you?"

    Donald Davis Systems Analyst
  • "No cyberterrorists shall gain access to my data—I'm protected by the coolest password ever: Shadowfax. Oh, no, I said it aloud! My hubris has undone me once again!"

    Phillip Sutcliffe Actuary
  • "As a nursing-home resident, I live in constant fear of the fiberterrorists who force me to take my Metamucil."

    Liz Durham Retiree
  • "Well, cyberterrorists may be difficult to capture in the act, but from what I know about people who are highly skilled with computers, they should be easy to beat up."

    Ernest Cey Speechwriter

More from this section

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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