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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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The Threat Of Cyberterrorism

With the business world becoming increasingly dependent on the Internet, there is concern that not enough is being done to guard against potentially devastating sabotage by "cyberterrorists." What do you think?
  • "You mean some hacker could disrupt the computerized billing and record-keeping of my local phone company, costing them millions of dollars? That's awesome."

    Frank Moreland Piano Teacher
  • "What if these terrorists got into the Snickers web site? They could potentially alter the peanuts-to-nougat ratio."

    Carol Sandberg Flight Attendant
  • "You don't think one of these cyberterrorists could somehow infiltrate a chat room and pretend to be a sexy girl, do you?"

    Donald Davis Systems Analyst
  • "No cyberterrorists shall gain access to my data—I'm protected by the coolest password ever: Shadowfax. Oh, no, I said it aloud! My hubris has undone me once again!"

    Phillip Sutcliffe Actuary
  • "As a nursing-home resident, I live in constant fear of the fiberterrorists who force me to take my Metamucil."

    Liz Durham Retiree
  • "Well, cyberterrorists may be difficult to capture in the act, but from what I know about people who are highly skilled with computers, they should be easy to beat up."

    Ernest Cey Speechwriter

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