The Tyson Reinstatement

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Vol 34 Issue 12

Bourbon Helps Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting For Awhile

HOUSTON–Carpet salesman Martin Janowski, 53, was able to forget about carpeting for just a little while Monday after consuming a fifth of Jim Beam Kentucky bourbon. "For a few glorious moments, I cleared my mind of Anso II Stainmaster Plus and Bigelow Dura-Plush carpeting," said Janowski, a 26-year employee of CarpetMart in Houston. "The bourbon made the floor coverings go away. "To help him forget about carpeting tomorrow night, Janowski said he will likely employ Southern Comfort, Johnnie Walker Red, or some combination thereof.

First-Grader Reeks Of Urine

WAUKEGAN, IL–A distinct urine odor was detected in the vicinity of area first-grader Josh Mills Monday. Though the presence of urine was not confirmed, Mills' history of pants-soakage led a majority of classmates and school faculty members to conclude that there was a loss of bladder control on the 6-year-old's part. School psychologist Charlotte Gehl stressed that Mills just moved to Waukegan a few months ago and needs lots of support to help him fit in.

Shark Attack Claims Life Of Some Guy On TV

SOME BEACH–The life of this one guy on TV was cut tragically short Monday when this giant killer shark ripped the shit out of him during a segment of Fox's When Animals Attack IV. "The guy was just swimming and, like, out of nowhere, this huge shark starts totally tearing him apart," said stunned, shaken viewer Jonathan Hassell, 20, who failed to brace himself for the wildest When Animals Attack yet. "I was like, 'Holy shit, dude.'" The one guy's identity is not known.

Morbidly Obese Man Enjoys Disabled Privileges With Motorized Cart

MESA, AZ–Former fat lump of crap Joseph Woodring joined the ranks of the disabled Monday with the purchase of a Rascal(TM)-brand motorized cart. "I am pleased to make the move from morbidly obese to differently abled," said the 410-pound Woodring, careening through EastTowne Mall on his electrically powered whale transporter. "My newfound handicapped status has truly given me a new lease on convenience." Woodring then motored off to the mall's food court for a McRib Deluxe Extra Value Meal.

We Can Have Babies Whenever You Want To

I just want you to know that we can start having babies whenever you want to. Not that we have to have our first one right now, of course. I mean, we always said we wanted to wait until we were ready, and I still do. It's just that we've been married for almost a whole year now. So, I just want you to know that whenever you feel like you're ready to start having the children, just go ahead and tell me.

I Know What Is Best For Everyone

Listen to me, because I know what is best for everyone. There are a great many problems facing America today, and I have all the answers to all of them.
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The Tyson Reinstatement

Last week, a team of psychologists declared boxer Mike Tyson–suspended by the Nevada State Athletic Commission last year for biting off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear–"troubled" but fit to fight. What do you think about Tyson's bid for reinstatement?
  • "I'm still not convinced that Tyson has the emotional and mental stability necessary to pummel the shit out of somebody."

    Amanda Petry
    Legal Secretary
  • "Tyson just hasn't been the same since that one time he was born."

    Danielle Garbey
    School Psychologist
  • "If the commission refuses to reinstate Tyson I'm sure he'll be happy to return to his first love: sexual assault."

    Chris Rozema
    Sales Consultant
  • "Tyson should be allowed to box only if he truthfully answers one question: Why'd he fuck Joey?"

    Jonathan Brookens
    Systems Analyst
  • "Tyson was provoked by Holyfield. The videotape clearly shows Holyfield hitting him."

    Tony Wilcox
    Surgeon
  • "That guy? He's nuts. I don't care what anybody says–that Freeman Dyson is one whacked-out physicist if he thinks anyone will ever construct a mobile artificial planet."

    Jerry Lopez
    Mathematician
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