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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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The Tyson Reinstatement

Last week, a team of psychologists declared boxer Mike Tyson–suspended by the Nevada State Athletic Commission last year for biting off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear–"troubled" but fit to fight. What do you think about Tyson's bid for reinstatement?
  • "I'm still not convinced that Tyson has the emotional and mental stability necessary to pummel the shit out of somebody."

    Amanda Petry Legal Secretary
  • "Tyson just hasn't been the same since that one time he was born."

    Danielle Garbey School Psychologist
  • "If the commission refuses to reinstate Tyson I'm sure he'll be happy to return to his first love: sexual assault."

    Chris Rozema Sales Consultant
  • "Tyson should be allowed to box only if he truthfully answers one question: Why'd he fuck Joey?"

    Jonathan Brookens Systems Analyst
  • "Tyson was provoked by Holyfield. The videotape clearly shows Holyfield hitting him."

    Tony Wilcox Surgeon
  • "That guy? He's nuts. I don't care what anybody says–that Freeman Dyson is one whacked-out physicist if he thinks anyone will ever construct a mobile artificial planet."

    Jerry Lopez Mathematician

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