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The Tyson Reinstatement

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CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO

Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous...

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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The Tyson Reinstatement

Last week, a team of psychologists declared boxer Mike Tyson–suspended by the Nevada State Athletic Commission last year for biting off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear–"troubled" but fit to fight. What do you think about Tyson's bid for reinstatement?
  • "I'm still not convinced that Tyson has the emotional and mental stability necessary to pummel the shit out of somebody."

    Amanda Petry Legal Secretary
  • "Tyson just hasn't been the same since that one time he was born."

    Danielle Garbey School Psychologist
  • "If the commission refuses to reinstate Tyson I'm sure he'll be happy to return to his first love: sexual assault."

    Chris Rozema Sales Consultant
  • "Tyson should be allowed to box only if he truthfully answers one question: Why'd he fuck Joey?"

    Jonathan Brookens Systems Analyst
  • "Tyson was provoked by Holyfield. The videotape clearly shows Holyfield hitting him."

    Tony Wilcox Surgeon
  • "That guy? He's nuts. I don't care what anybody says–that Freeman Dyson is one whacked-out physicist if he thinks anyone will ever construct a mobile artificial planet."

    Jerry Lopez Mathematician

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