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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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The Tyson Reinstatement

Last week, a team of psychologists declared boxer Mike Tyson–suspended by the Nevada State Athletic Commission last year for biting off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear–"troubled" but fit to fight. What do you think about Tyson's bid for reinstatement?
  • "I'm still not convinced that Tyson has the emotional and mental stability necessary to pummel the shit out of somebody."

    Amanda Petry Legal Secretary
  • "Tyson just hasn't been the same since that one time he was born."

    Danielle Garbey School Psychologist
  • "If the commission refuses to reinstate Tyson I'm sure he'll be happy to return to his first love: sexual assault."

    Chris Rozema Sales Consultant
  • "Tyson should be allowed to box only if he truthfully answers one question: Why'd he fuck Joey?"

    Jonathan Brookens Systems Analyst
  • "Tyson was provoked by Holyfield. The videotape clearly shows Holyfield hitting him."

    Tony Wilcox Surgeon
  • "That guy? He's nuts. I don't care what anybody says–that Freeman Dyson is one whacked-out physicist if he thinks anyone will ever construct a mobile artificial planet."

    Jerry Lopez Mathematician
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