adBlockCheck

Business

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
End Of Section
  • More News

The UPS Strike

The weeks-old UPS strike is badly hurting America's small businesses—employers of 50 percent of the nation's workers—prompting many to call for President Clinton to step in and resolve the dispute. What do you think?
  • "With the men of UPS on strike, it's been nearly three weeks since I last received a special 'overnight package delivery,' if you know what I mean."

    Sarah Alessandro Secretary
  • "I've got to get a proposal to a client in New York by 8 a.m. tomorrow. I need real business solutions—fast."

    Gene Crandall Marketing Executive
  • "None of this matters to me. I ship things the old-fashioned way: plate tectonics."

    Lucas Ross Systems Analyst
  • "At this rate, by the time my J. Crew order arrives, my cable-knit sweater will be an entirely outdated shade of moss."

    Nancy Eisen Guidance Counselor
  • "I swear, if my Asian bride starves to death in some warehouse, UPS will give me back every dollar I paid."

    Keith Datillo Carpenter
  • "I say this whole strike is a smokescreen. What those guys really want is to keep all them great parcels for themselves."

    Will Durning Civil Engineer

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close