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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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The Waco Cover-Up

Last week, it was revealed that in 1995, the Justice Department delivered a report to Congress without a page that referred to the FBI's use of an incendiary tear gas during its 1993 assault on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco. What do you think about this rapidly widening scandal?
  • "C'mon, cut those FBI guys a little slack. If we held them accountable for every little cover-up conspiracy, they'd never get any firebombing done."

    Dan Bumbry Financial Advisor
  • "Listen, the FBI had to use deadly force: Those guys in there had some sort of Messiah or something."

    Rhonda Baylor Optometrist
  • "Now that the truth has come out about the Waco cover-up, I just hope my whole Roswell-aliens-killed-Jackie-O theory is finally taken seriously."

    Bob Cabell Elevator Repairman
  • "Those ATF bastards. $3.50 a pack? That's outrageous."

    Thomas Coggins Systems Analyst
  • "Why isn't there a 200-person committee spending billions of dollars to investigate this shocking scandal? What? 'Waco'? Oh, I thought you said 'blow job.'"

    Lydia Grich Chef
  • "So, Waco was a deliberate FBI slaughter of innocents all along? Looks like we all owe Timothy McVeigh a big apology."

    Paul Grimsley Roofer
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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