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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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The Waco Cover-Up

Last week, it was revealed that in 1995, the Justice Department delivered a report to Congress without a page that referred to the FBI's use of an incendiary tear gas during its 1993 assault on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco. What do you think about this rapidly widening scandal?
  • "C'mon, cut those FBI guys a little slack. If we held them accountable for every little cover-up conspiracy, they'd never get any firebombing done."

    Dan Bumbry Financial Advisor
  • "Listen, the FBI had to use deadly force: Those guys in there had some sort of Messiah or something."

    Rhonda Baylor Optometrist
  • "Now that the truth has come out about the Waco cover-up, I just hope my whole Roswell-aliens-killed-Jackie-O theory is finally taken seriously."

    Bob Cabell Elevator Repairman
  • "Those ATF bastards. $3.50 a pack? That's outrageous."

    Thomas Coggins Systems Analyst
  • "Why isn't there a 200-person committee spending billions of dollars to investigate this shocking scandal? What? 'Waco'? Oh, I thought you said 'blow job.'"

    Lydia Grich Chef
  • "So, Waco was a deliberate FBI slaughter of innocents all along? Looks like we all owe Timothy McVeigh a big apology."

    Paul Grimsley Roofer

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