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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The Waco Cover-Up

Last week, it was revealed that in 1995, the Justice Department delivered a report to Congress without a page that referred to the FBI's use of an incendiary tear gas during its 1993 assault on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco. What do you think about this rapidly widening scandal?
  • "C'mon, cut those FBI guys a little slack. If we held them accountable for every little cover-up conspiracy, they'd never get any firebombing done."

    Dan Bumbry Financial Advisor
  • "Listen, the FBI had to use deadly force: Those guys in there had some sort of Messiah or something."

    Rhonda Baylor Optometrist
  • "Now that the truth has come out about the Waco cover-up, I just hope my whole Roswell-aliens-killed-Jackie-O theory is finally taken seriously."

    Bob Cabell Elevator Repairman
  • "Those ATF bastards. $3.50 a pack? That's outrageous."

    Thomas Coggins Systems Analyst
  • "Why isn't there a 200-person committee spending billions of dollars to investigate this shocking scandal? What? 'Waco'? Oh, I thought you said 'blow job.'"

    Lydia Grich Chef
  • "So, Waco was a deliberate FBI slaughter of innocents all along? Looks like we all owe Timothy McVeigh a big apology."

    Paul Grimsley Roofer

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