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The War In Chechnya

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BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

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RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

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The War In Chechnya

During last week's State Of The Union Address, President Clinton called upon Russia to pull out of Chechnya, where, for the past six months, war has raged between Russia and a band of Chechen rebels. What do you think about this worsening international crisis?
  • "The U.S. should waste no time in condemning General Mashimkov's brutal occupation of the city of Plovsk in the Chechen province of Azgakasban. Okay, I made that up."

    Dennis Walker Systems Analyst
  • "Who cares about some stupid little war way off in the Caucasus Mountains? Hey, wait... Those people are Caucasians! The U.S. must send in troops at once!"

    Isaac Roth Investment Analyst
  • "I feel close to this issue on a personal level, as I have a next-door neighbor who is from a country I've never heard of and don't care about."

    Pat Eisenreich Machinist
  • "I need George Orwell to break this down into livestock terms for me."

    Lee Wooton Factory Worker
  • "Chechnya? So much is said about these itinerant mountain goatherders who rebelled against Russia, but little is ever mentioned of the innocent goats, caught in the crossfire."

    Jennifer Huhn Massage Therapist
  • "I'm sorry. I can't think of the situation clearly without that 'I feel like Chechen tonight, like Chechen tonight!' song going through my head."

    Jane Mortman Guidance Counselor

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