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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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The Widening Income Gap

According to a recent report based on census data, the gap between the rich and poor widened in 2003. What do you think?
  • "Good. I was having a hard time telling the rich and poor apart."

    Rick Lembecker Developer
  • "What does 'rich' or 'poor' even mean? And before you start, I don't want to hear any of that 'annual household income' nonsense."

    Andrew Meijor Social Worker
  • "Sure, the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. But the great untold story is that the people in the exact middle are becoming a whole lot middler, too."

    Sheila Reed Nurse
  • "If this keeps up, I might finally be able to hire myself a white maid."

    Gary Wundrow Systems Analyst
  • "I realize that, historically, phrases like 'massive redistribution of wealth' are usually accompanied by rivers of blood. That said, it's about time for a massive redistribution of wealth."

    Kimberly Szaflarski Bill Collector
  • "Bottom line is, you're not buying this lawn mower."

    David Martinovich Salesman

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