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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The Winter Olympics

The 18th Olympic Winter Games began this week, turning the world's attention to Nagano, Japan. What do you think about the arrival of this quadrennial athletic event?
  • "Yeah! Time to kick some Towelhead butt! USA! USA! Oh, the Olympics? Shit. I thought you said 'war.'"

    Tyler Hunt Shipping Clerk
  • "You know, I was just saying the other day that there isn't enough ice-skating on television."

    Larry Baer Architect
  • "There is nothing more thrilling than watching spandex-clad Aryans lay on top of each other at high speeds via nine-hour tape delay from Japan."

    Roy Strypczynski Systems Analyst
  • "Olympics? I think I ate there once. They have, like, cheeseburgers and gyros and stuff, right?"

    David Puhl Construction Worker
  • "Thank goodness they've added Autumn Olympics in 1999 and Spring Olympics in 2001. No year is complete without a once-every-four-years Olympic competition."

    Caroline Kelley Student
  • "I am so excited, I'm going to run out and use my Visa card right now."

    Marie Colquitt Civil Engineer

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