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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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The Winter Olympics

The 18th Olympic Winter Games began this week, turning the world's attention to Nagano, Japan. What do you think about the arrival of this quadrennial athletic event?
  • "Yeah! Time to kick some Towelhead butt! USA! USA! Oh, the Olympics? Shit. I thought you said 'war.'"

    Tyler Hunt Shipping Clerk
  • "You know, I was just saying the other day that there isn't enough ice-skating on television."

    Larry Baer Architect
  • "There is nothing more thrilling than watching spandex-clad Aryans lay on top of each other at high speeds via nine-hour tape delay from Japan."

    Roy Strypczynski Systems Analyst
  • "Olympics? I think I ate there once. They have, like, cheeseburgers and gyros and stuff, right?"

    David Puhl Construction Worker
  • "Thank goodness they've added Autumn Olympics in 1999 and Spring Olympics in 2001. No year is complete without a once-every-four-years Olympic competition."

    Caroline Kelley Student
  • "I am so excited, I'm going to run out and use my Visa card right now."

    Marie Colquitt Civil Engineer

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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