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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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The World War II Memorial

The planned WWII Memorial on the National Mall has sparked controversy, its critics questioning its necessity, location, and design. What do you think?
  • "I think the solution is to keep talking about this for the next 20 years. Then, when the last WWII veteran finally dies, we can just drop the whole thing."

    Ronald Herr Landscaper
  • "Isn't Tom Brokaw's plan to personally fellate every living WWII veteran thanks enough?"

    Phillip Porter Systems Analyst
  • "I'm not convinced what they did was so great. I made it to the end of Castle Wolfenstein in, like, two hours."

    David Andujar Auto Mechanic
  • "This monument ruins the symmetry of the national mall. The World War III one, though, will nicely balance the south end and lead the eye toward the reflecting pool."

    Larry Hendrick Airline Pilot Larry Hendrick Airline Pilot
  • "Those WWII vets are just jealous of the Vietnam vets and Holocaust survivors."

    Elizabeth Oberkfell Translator
  • "Only by building a memorial to those who risked their lives for their country can we finally shut them up."

    Dana Forsch Social Worker

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