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Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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The WorldCom Scandal

WorldCom falsely accounted for $3.8 billion in expenses, enabling the company to continue reporting profits when it was actually losing money. What do you think?
  • "Let's not be so quick to judge here. After all, who among us hasn't made an accounting error of $3.8 billion at some point?"

    Diane Prince Teacher
  • "Well, maybe corporations wouldn't have to lie about their finances if the government didn't force them to pay taxes. Ever think about that, you liberal jerks?"

    Cindy Sherfee Chiropractor
  • "I like the way they sent their landlord a check made out to the gas company for $3.8 billion and vice-versa. I gotta remember that trick."

    Mick Olberding Auto Mechanic
  • "As the CFO of WorldCom, I assure you that I'll have this whole mess cleared up in no time, just as soon as I hit the exacta in the third race at Belmont. Go, Sheba's Dancer! Come on, Sheba's Dancer!"

    Scott Sullivan CFO
  • "This doesn't really affect me, as I've never heard of WorldCom. Now, if Taco Bell collapsed... shit."

    Dean Young Landscaper
  • "If investors divested from every corporation guilty of corruption and fraud, it would only precipitate a deep, years-long recession. It's our patriotic duty to look the other way."

    Tom Dyson Systems Analyst

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