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The Worldwide AIDS Crisis

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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The Worldwide AIDS Crisis

AIDS in the Third World, particularly Africa, is an ever-growing problem. What do you think?
  • "Wow, storage costs for that AIDS quilt must be skyrocketing."

    Jay Litton Busboy
  • "That's it. Call off the Olympics."

    Thomas Batson Banker
  • "Normally, I'd have sympathy for the Third World, but you've gotta admit it's their fault for being gay."

    Gayle Showalter Teacher
  • "AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa is on the rise because sufferers have failed to ask their doctors about Combivir®."

    Shelli Madden Food Scientist
  • "We're losing the war on AIDS. And drugs. And poverty. And terror. But we sure took it to those Nazis. Man, those were the days."

    Glen Luther Systems Analyst
  • "We can't just throw money at the problem. Or discuss it in the political arena. Or address it at all."

    Yi Shade Foreman

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