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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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THG And The NFL

A string of scandals has prompted the NFL to impose stricter testing standards for performance-enhancing drugs, especially the steroid THG. What do you think?
  • "Sports-wise, I don't have any experience with performance-enhancing drugs...only the spectation-enhancing kind."

    Jesse Scott Painter
  • "Huh. So, Bill Romanowski tested positive for high levels of THUG?"

    Tammy Rinaldi Programmer
  • "I'm glad drugs are out of the hands of radio hosts and into the hands of athletes, where they belong."

    Robert Neighbors Statistician
  • "It's admirable that those athletes only use drugs that enhance performance. Today's kids could learn a lot from these role models."

    Patty Grubner Convention Planner
  • "Apparently, the type of performance-enhancing drugs the Raiders were using aren't the kind that help you pressure the quarterback, stop the run, or establish a goddamn passing game."

    Albert Kinard Systems <br>Analyst
  • "THG? It's harmless. I use it to clean my coffee maker. I don't see why everyone's so RAHRRRRR!"

    Joe Wendt Interpreter

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