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Sports

Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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THG And The NFL

A string of scandals has prompted the NFL to impose stricter testing standards for performance-enhancing drugs, especially the steroid THG. What do you think?
  • "Sports-wise, I don't have any experience with performance-enhancing drugs...only the spectation-enhancing kind."

    Jesse Scott Painter
  • "Huh. So, Bill Romanowski tested positive for high levels of THUG?"

    Tammy Rinaldi Programmer
  • "I'm glad drugs are out of the hands of radio hosts and into the hands of athletes, where they belong."

    Robert Neighbors Statistician
  • "It's admirable that those athletes only use drugs that enhance performance. Today's kids could learn a lot from these role models."

    Patty Grubner Convention Planner
  • "Apparently, the type of performance-enhancing drugs the Raiders were using aren't the kind that help you pressure the quarterback, stop the run, or establish a goddamn passing game."

    Albert Kinard Systems <br>Analyst
  • "THG? It's harmless. I use it to clean my coffee maker. I don't see why everyone's so RAHRRRRR!"

    Joe Wendt Interpreter
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