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Third World Debt Relief

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Third World Debt Relief

An estimated 10,000 people descended upon World Bank and IMF meetings in Washington last week, demanding debt relief for impoverished Third World nations. What do you think?
  • "No fucking way we should let them off the hook–I want back those 80 bucks I lent Honduras."

    Reggie Bey Truck Driver
  • "Damn. I wish I had known about this debt-relief argument when Ferndale State Bank repossessed my Ski-Doo."

    Lee Doane Civil Engineer
  • "I'm doing my part to relieve Third World debt: I always order the Botswana Breakfast Blend at Starbucks."

    Jennifer Sims Student
  • "I can't believe these Third World nations think they can just rack up all these international debts and never be expected to pay them back. The U.S. could never get away with something like that."

    June Ritchie Florist
  • "I agree with the EMF protesters. The musical atrocities committed by this early-'90s British dance-rock quintet are truly unbelievable."

    Fred Singletary Systems Analyst
  • "With World Bank rates at an all-time high, it makes more sense than ever for Africa to consolidate its debt with a treasury certificate from 1-800-LOAN-YES. Hi, I'm Hall Of Fame pitcher Jim Palmer."

    Jim Palmer Baseball Great

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