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Third World Debt Relief

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Third World Debt Relief

An estimated 10,000 people descended upon World Bank and IMF meetings in Washington last week, demanding debt relief for impoverished Third World nations. What do you think?
  • "No fucking way we should let them off the hook–I want back those 80 bucks I lent Honduras."

    Reggie Bey Truck Driver
  • "Damn. I wish I had known about this debt-relief argument when Ferndale State Bank repossessed my Ski-Doo."

    Lee Doane Civil Engineer
  • "I'm doing my part to relieve Third World debt: I always order the Botswana Breakfast Blend at Starbucks."

    Jennifer Sims Student
  • "I can't believe these Third World nations think they can just rack up all these international debts and never be expected to pay them back. The U.S. could never get away with something like that."

    June Ritchie Florist
  • "I agree with the EMF protesters. The musical atrocities committed by this early-'90s British dance-rock quintet are truly unbelievable."

    Fred Singletary Systems Analyst
  • "With World Bank rates at an all-time high, it makes more sense than ever for Africa to consolidate its debt with a treasury certificate from 1-800-LOAN-YES. Hi, I'm Hall Of Fame pitcher Jim Palmer."

    Jim Palmer Baseball Great

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