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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Three-Parent Embryo Developed

British scientists claim to have created an embryo with genes from three people. What do you think?
  • "What? A conception that strays from traditional heterosexual marital union? Where's my congressman?"

    Michael Hartman Millwright
  • "God, I hope the three British people weren't all from the royal family."

    Ethan Richards EMT
  • "So what? A lot of people already have three parents. My own daughter has blue eyes like her one daddy, and she likes to stay up late and bounce checks at the liquor store just like the other."

    Emma Morganstern Physical Therapy Aide
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